I am at a point in my life where the more I know God, the more I come to realise how much I... we...need God.
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9, NIV)We are imperfect creatures. Folly, waywardness, selfishness, hatred, nonchalance... choosing not to care, all of these emotions and ways clash and rage within me... us... everyday. Oftentimes I do not have a solution for the situations I face. And I am not close enough to God that I am able to behave in a godly manner, all the time. I fail. I struggle. I get confused. Lost.
But I recognise that things are not right. God reveals my eyes to the pain in my home, the pain in my family, pain in the individuals around me. There is so much healing to do, so much brokenness to mend. Where do I start? How do I start?
Yesterday, with L&D's advice, and prayerfully going to God with my desperation... I chose to take a small step, drawing a line and finally approaching my brother with the truth and depth of what I feel. There was crying, there was shouting, but you know... I was glad that the ice was finally broken. The illusion of pretending that everything is OK was finally shattered. How two people living together under the same roof for the past 24 years can grow so far apart to become utter strangers is beyond me. But that's what happened. That what I allowed to happen... even as I reach beyond the walls of my home serving others, making a difference to others... my heart can never ignore the pull of the aching chasm at home.
And that is only a small step. A small step in a long journey that I have to take together with my husband, to undo the damage of past hurts, nonchalance, ignorance, and turning to God daily in prayer for God to let us be instruments of his will to restore and heal, a small step at a time.
Above all, I want a God-centred home, infused with love, peace and joy. I want our family to know God and experience Him... His goodness through me, through us, because change and transformation will not happen any other way.
