Burdened

Is this how it is, that as we live year by year, burdens upon us increase too? Regrets, what-ifs, paths not taken.

I really want to let go of the burdens I carry, wish and wish and wish that God will direct my steps and show me which road I should walk. Standing here at a crossroads, I am really at a loss and dilemma, unsure, uncertain, weighing and re-weighing pros and cons, incessantly thinking.

>.<

Running away

Today, I just feel like running away.

I wish I had a strong point of view, a strong opinion that is unshakeable and unwavering, but if truth be told, I often don't, cursed - or blessed - with the gift to view many sides of the same issue. Perspectives. So many human perspectives, vying and tussling for prominence and victory. That seems to be the rule of thumb in the world.

Increasingly, I begin to see that only God's perspective matters. Not mine, not yours, not his, not hers. But how do we enlarge God's perspective in the world, when humans are so narrow-sighted?

I really, really just want to run away... run away to the safe retreat of Church Camp, or God, where I do not have to struggle so.

Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

At A Crossroads

There are times when I really wish I am able to clearly discern God's will in my life. This has been my consistent prayer to God right from last week when different paths suddenly opened up before me. I am really not sure which to take, at times one seems more attractive than the other, and at other times, the reverse occurs.
 
I only know that this is not coincidence... the sheer timing of how events happen one after another are so incredible they are almost miraculous! There's clearly divinity at work here. I just need to be able to see and hear clearly.

Thirsting for God

I am at a point in my life where the more I know God, the more I come to realise how much I... we...need God.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9, NIV)

We are imperfect creatures. Folly, waywardness, selfishness, hatred, nonchalance... choosing not to care, all of these emotions and ways clash and rage within me... us... everyday. Oftentimes I do not have a solution for the situations I face. And I am not close enough to God that I am able to behave in a godly manner, all the time. I fail. I struggle. I get confused. Lost. 

But I recognise that things are not right. God reveals my eyes to the pain in my home, the pain in my family, pain in the individuals around me. There is so much healing to do, so much brokenness to mend. Where do I start? How do I start? 

Yesterday, with L&D's advice, and prayerfully going to God with my desperation... I chose to take a small step, drawing a line and finally approaching my brother with the truth and depth of what I feel. There was crying, there was shouting, but you know... I was glad that the ice was finally broken. The illusion of pretending that everything is OK was finally shattered. How two people living together under the same roof for the past 24 years can grow so far apart to become utter strangers is beyond me. But that's what happened. That what I allowed to happen... even as I reach beyond the walls of my home serving others, making a difference to others... my heart can never ignore the pull of the aching chasm at home. 

And that is only a small step. A small step in a long journey that I have to take together with my husband, to undo the damage of past hurts, nonchalance, ignorance, and turning to God daily in prayer for God to let us be instruments of his will to restore and heal, a small step at a time. 

Above all, I want a God-centred home, infused with love, peace and joy. I want our family to know God and experience Him... His goodness through me, through us, because change and transformation will not happen any other way.

Blessed

Image: prozac1 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I really feel blessed. When I look back and reflect on the past few days, my heart swells with gratitude at the experience to be acquainted with God anew. I feel immense joy and peace just being in church, in God's sanctuary, quietly learning, patiently serving, genuinely conversing. Being able to be beside Calvin through it all makes it perfect.

Thursday to Saturday was my very first church conference: "Knowing God's Will". Truth be told, this is an area I absolutely struggle with. There are times I find myself wondering and guessing at God's Will, unsure of where and how to proceed. One of my biggest learnings, was being reminded of the redemptive power of pain and suffering. Pain is a gift from God... it tells you something has gone wrong.

We are living in a world that's aching with pain, a world that is absolutely groaning, suffering and churning with evil. So many people seem oblivious to the warning signs and alarm bells that the world is throwing at us, in our faces, as though nothing is wrong. But everything is.

When talking to K and our conversation drifted to recent news, of men who were being charged in court for a crime they had committed, I instinctively said "They can't help it." I realised then how much I have changed in my journey of faith as a Christian. I used to feel incredulous at the thought that we were sinners, never realising that the biggest sin of all -- pride was blocking my understanding and comprehension, and veiling my eyes from the truth of my...our... everyone's glaring imperfections. We may not murder or plunder, but all of us are incapable of living sinlessly without God in our lives.

I loved how Pst Ed shared with us that The Ten Commandments should really be seen as the Ten Promises of God... that it is only when we come to know God, that we are free from being slaves to sin, and now have the choice to choose differently. We no longer need to kill, we no longer need to lust, we no longer need to steal, because we have God in our lives. Without Him, in all aspects of stumbling folly, I see how true it is that we can't help it.


God's will is totally sovereign
gloriously redemptive
sometimes puzzling
but always perfect

On Sunday Calvin and I were really blessed by Pst Tony who took time out to encourage us in our ministry, and who took the opportunity to get to know us when we asked him to sign our copy of his book. It shocked me when he said "Thank you, you have really blessed my heart today." and his face shone with so much joy at our conversation. I was surprised at his humility, surprised that he remembered us. "Do me a favour, email me your story this week," He said.

Wow. I am grateful everyday for the freedom I have found in Christ, for the soul-renewing peace that he has restored to my life. It need not be shaken by trying circumstances, because pain is a fact of this fallen world. And as Pst Tony said: I may not know the reason or the cause, but I always know the cure for pain. 

Agape

When I see youths caught in difficult family situations, I wish there was more I could do to stem the tide of hurt and anger. They remind me of myself, not so long ago, stripped bare of resilience and untempered by grace... charging straight into situations and unable to handle the explosive reactions that result.

This is when a part of me feels that possibly, Expedition Agape is what I am meant to do, God's calling for me to heal in some small way, the broken parts of their soul. I wish and pray that I will be able to listen to God more acutely, and trust and hear his plan for me... for Expedition Agape.

Learning Patience

Especially when it comes to my dreams, I realise that I can get a tad obsessed, and become extremely impatient too, at that.

I need to learn patience... BREATHE... slow down... and trust in God's timing.