Thirsting for God

I am at a point in my life where the more I know God, the more I come to realise how much I... we...need God.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9, NIV)

We are imperfect creatures. Folly, waywardness, selfishness, hatred, nonchalance... choosing not to care, all of these emotions and ways clash and rage within me... us... everyday. Oftentimes I do not have a solution for the situations I face. And I am not close enough to God that I am able to behave in a godly manner, all the time. I fail. I struggle. I get confused. Lost. 

But I recognise that things are not right. God reveals my eyes to the pain in my home, the pain in my family, pain in the individuals around me. There is so much healing to do, so much brokenness to mend. Where do I start? How do I start? 

Yesterday, with L&D's advice, and prayerfully going to God with my desperation... I chose to take a small step, drawing a line and finally approaching my brother with the truth and depth of what I feel. There was crying, there was shouting, but you know... I was glad that the ice was finally broken. The illusion of pretending that everything is OK was finally shattered. How two people living together under the same roof for the past 24 years can grow so far apart to become utter strangers is beyond me. But that's what happened. That what I allowed to happen... even as I reach beyond the walls of my home serving others, making a difference to others... my heart can never ignore the pull of the aching chasm at home. 

And that is only a small step. A small step in a long journey that I have to take together with my husband, to undo the damage of past hurts, nonchalance, ignorance, and turning to God daily in prayer for God to let us be instruments of his will to restore and heal, a small step at a time. 

Above all, I want a God-centred home, infused with love, peace and joy. I want our family to know God and experience Him... His goodness through me, through us, because change and transformation will not happen any other way.

Blessed

Image: prozac1 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I really feel blessed. When I look back and reflect on the past few days, my heart swells with gratitude at the experience to be acquainted with God anew. I feel immense joy and peace just being in church, in God's sanctuary, quietly learning, patiently serving, genuinely conversing. Being able to be beside Calvin through it all makes it perfect.

Thursday to Saturday was my very first church conference: "Knowing God's Will". Truth be told, this is an area I absolutely struggle with. There are times I find myself wondering and guessing at God's Will, unsure of where and how to proceed. One of my biggest learnings, was being reminded of the redemptive power of pain and suffering. Pain is a gift from God... it tells you something has gone wrong.

We are living in a world that's aching with pain, a world that is absolutely groaning, suffering and churning with evil. So many people seem oblivious to the warning signs and alarm bells that the world is throwing at us, in our faces, as though nothing is wrong. But everything is.

When talking to K and our conversation drifted to recent news, of men who were being charged in court for a crime they had committed, I instinctively said "They can't help it." I realised then how much I have changed in my journey of faith as a Christian. I used to feel incredulous at the thought that we were sinners, never realising that the biggest sin of all -- pride was blocking my understanding and comprehension, and veiling my eyes from the truth of my...our... everyone's glaring imperfections. We may not murder or plunder, but all of us are incapable of living sinlessly without God in our lives.

I loved how Pst Ed shared with us that The Ten Commandments should really be seen as the Ten Promises of God... that it is only when we come to know God, that we are free from being slaves to sin, and now have the choice to choose differently. We no longer need to kill, we no longer need to lust, we no longer need to steal, because we have God in our lives. Without Him, in all aspects of stumbling folly, I see how true it is that we can't help it.


God's will is totally sovereign
gloriously redemptive
sometimes puzzling
but always perfect

On Sunday Calvin and I were really blessed by Pst Tony who took time out to encourage us in our ministry, and who took the opportunity to get to know us when we asked him to sign our copy of his book. It shocked me when he said "Thank you, you have really blessed my heart today." and his face shone with so much joy at our conversation. I was surprised at his humility, surprised that he remembered us. "Do me a favour, email me your story this week," He said.

Wow. I am grateful everyday for the freedom I have found in Christ, for the soul-renewing peace that he has restored to my life. It need not be shaken by trying circumstances, because pain is a fact of this fallen world. And as Pst Tony said: I may not know the reason or the cause, but I always know the cure for pain. 

Agape

When I see youths caught in difficult family situations, I wish there was more I could do to stem the tide of hurt and anger. They remind me of myself, not so long ago, stripped bare of resilience and untempered by grace... charging straight into situations and unable to handle the explosive reactions that result.

This is when a part of me feels that possibly, Expedition Agape is what I am meant to do, God's calling for me to heal in some small way, the broken parts of their soul. I wish and pray that I will be able to listen to God more acutely, and trust and hear his plan for me... for Expedition Agape.

Learning Patience

Especially when it comes to my dreams, I realise that I can get a tad obsessed, and become extremely impatient too, at that.

I need to learn patience... BREATHE... slow down... and trust in God's timing.

Hallelujah!

God, thank you for showing me that when I thought it was impossible, that by your strength and power, all things are possible!

Make A Difference

My heart aches for the many I know who live without God in their lives.... who are hurt, alone, confused, broken. All of us carry that fragile vulnerability in us, some more than others... and the walls that we built around ourselves, the tough exterior we think we need to have... breaks my heart.

There are moments when I just want to cry from the overwhelming magnitude of the brokenness that exists in the world. I have a burning, relentless desire to do more, do right... all the while knowing that I am insignificant, that what I can do, is just to light a small candle in my small part of the world.

I trust and surrender my path to God, and Lord, won't you guide me... let me know that what I am doing with Agape is making a difference.

Won't you lord
take a look at our hands
everything we have
use it for your plan

Won't you lord
take a look at our heart
mold it, refine it
as you set us apart

We want to run to the altar
and catch the fire
to stand in the gap
between the living and the death
give us a heart of compassion
for a world without vision
we will make a difference
bringing hope to our land

We will answer the call
to build this church without walls
let your glory be shown
bring salvation to the lost

A Kite Bereft...

I look at my friends who have their families, yet push them away in a bid for independence, freedom and less hassle... and there are times when I really wish I can shake them and open their eyes to what they are missing. More, to open their eyes to value what they have, to dig beneath the surface to uncover the intentions of care and concern.... -- A restriction that is perceived to be overstepping boundaries, a gentle reminder that is seen to be repeated senselessness and annoyance, a comment that appears it is completely disjunct and irrelevant from the time and age we are in.

When you don't have that at all, you see it as pure preciousness.

I make feeble attempts to connect with my mother, fear holding me back for the hurt and drama that is potentially lurking ahead. I see a yawning chasm and struggle with how I can bridge the distance to my father. Both of them pull away, detach... so far away and for completely different reasons, but the situation is the same.

Maybe that is why I love Calvin's grandmother... and find her nagging totally endearing. I miss it, lack it, crave it. I feel like a kite with the strings cut off, floating directionless in the wind, without a family to anchor upon from which I can build the foundations of my own family. There are days when I can shut off these feelings, and days when the feeling worsens. Actions do not always equate to results, especially in the realm of relationships which are so volatile.

Relentless optimism, trying various ways and means to find breakthroughs... but there are times when I get tired, when I keep meeting with a wall. And so I turn to God... pray and desperately pray that God will direct my path.

Where do I fit in? What else can I do?

I don't know. Let that be the answer for now...