Hallelujah!

God, thank you for showing me that when I thought it was impossible, that by your strength and power, all things are possible!

Make A Difference

My heart aches for the many I know who live without God in their lives.... who are hurt, alone, confused, broken. All of us carry that fragile vulnerability in us, some more than others... and the walls that we built around ourselves, the tough exterior we think we need to have... breaks my heart.

There are moments when I just want to cry from the overwhelming magnitude of the brokenness that exists in the world. I have a burning, relentless desire to do more, do right... all the while knowing that I am insignificant, that what I can do, is just to light a small candle in my small part of the world.

I trust and surrender my path to God, and Lord, won't you guide me... let me know that what I am doing with Agape is making a difference.

Won't you lord
take a look at our hands
everything we have
use it for your plan

Won't you lord
take a look at our heart
mold it, refine it
as you set us apart

We want to run to the altar
and catch the fire
to stand in the gap
between the living and the death
give us a heart of compassion
for a world without vision
we will make a difference
bringing hope to our land

We will answer the call
to build this church without walls
let your glory be shown
bring salvation to the lost

A Kite Bereft...

I look at my friends who have their families, yet push them away in a bid for independence, freedom and less hassle... and there are times when I really wish I can shake them and open their eyes to what they are missing. More, to open their eyes to value what they have, to dig beneath the surface to uncover the intentions of care and concern.... -- A restriction that is perceived to be overstepping boundaries, a gentle reminder that is seen to be repeated senselessness and annoyance, a comment that appears it is completely disjunct and irrelevant from the time and age we are in.

When you don't have that at all, you see it as pure preciousness.

I make feeble attempts to connect with my mother, fear holding me back for the hurt and drama that is potentially lurking ahead. I see a yawning chasm and struggle with how I can bridge the distance to my father. Both of them pull away, detach... so far away and for completely different reasons, but the situation is the same.

Maybe that is why I love Calvin's grandmother... and find her nagging totally endearing. I miss it, lack it, crave it. I feel like a kite with the strings cut off, floating directionless in the wind, without a family to anchor upon from which I can build the foundations of my own family. There are days when I can shut off these feelings, and days when the feeling worsens. Actions do not always equate to results, especially in the realm of relationships which are so volatile.

Relentless optimism, trying various ways and means to find breakthroughs... but there are times when I get tired, when I keep meeting with a wall. And so I turn to God... pray and desperately pray that God will direct my path.

Where do I fit in? What else can I do?

I don't know. Let that be the answer for now... 

Disoriented

It was surreal going back to work today.

There was first the trip to Shanghai, a freezing four days spent huddling in winter jackets, going through the stress of business meetings, and formalities. Sometimes, I believe I overthink, and have the tendency to get lost in my thoughts, where they then become muddled and my words jumbled, lost in the miasma of a myriad disparate thoughts firing off in different directions. I get unsettled without something or someone familiar to cling onto, and it reminds me of the masks that we need to wear to fit in. I didn't like Shanghai all that much -- told cold, too grey, too rainy, too full of unpleasant memories of my earlier visit.

Immediately after that, was the trip to Jakarta. Five days, attempting to lead ten different people, most of whom I didn't know that well. I was amazed at how much I enjoyed Jakarta. It was unexpectedly good, the bonding, getting to know my colleagues on a deeper level, uncovering fun, wacky, crazy sides of each and everyone, and sharing our lives. We completed what we set out to do, and more, and I don't think there was any one of us that left untouched by the magical smiles of the children. It was disconcerting for me to witness the stark poverty in Prumpung though, and the conditions they lived in tug at my heartstrings. I was shocked. I remember clogged drains, rubbish piled up on both sides of the muddy streets, houses - that were all falling apart, packed closely together, the foul odour, flies buzzing around incessantly and haphazard chaos.

Every single day was immensely draining. I enjoy being with people, building relationships, fostering understanding and connections, yet, at the same time, it takes a lot out of me, an inadvertent affirmation for myself that I really am introverted. Being back on home ground then, comes as a relief, though I do miss my team mates, the people whom I have served, learnt, grown and laughed with.

I prayed a lot throughout both trips, leaning on God as my rock and anchor, and reminding myself the true master whom I serve above all. Thank goodness for God, because without Him, I would have found it even more difficult to navigate my way through the disorientation. There's a wedding to attend this weekend, and yet another overseas trip, but I honestly can't wait to get back to church next weekend.

Prayer

It was a powerful Prayer and Praise session yesterday, as I came to rest my burdens and anxieties at the feet of my Lord and learnt to find my way back to what I had lost... prayer. Absolutely loved what Pst Kai had shared with us... "Prayer is the ultimate sign of our dependence on God." When we have everything that we need, when we know that we are resourceful and have solutions at hand, need we turn to prayer? So true, and such a glaring reminder of my pride, my selfishness... that really, I only turn to God when things go south... when I am in need.

I realise, it is really coming to recognise our daily desperation for God. Without Him in our lives, without Him in everything that we do, every relationship that we build, it is all for naught. Prayer hence needs to be embraced because... as what Philip Yancey said... prayer changes us more so than it changes our Father. We may emerge from a prayer session with a very different perspective, renewed in vigour and faith, and seeing that we are the ones who need to change for an issue to move forward.

I am learning. I am not perfect - and never will I be, but I am learning to pray in all the empty spaces of time in my life... when I am walking from a place to another place, when I am on the train, when I am waiting in the queue. I am starting to think too that beyond giving God the "spare time" that I have, he needs to be the first that I seek, and first doesn't just mean to pray first then forget about God the rest of the day, but first means that He is the priority, the most important task on the list of "To Dos"...

A thought...

I love the bible verse that A shared yesterday --

Colossians 3:23-24 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

It has been a lesson that I needed to learn, and to remind myself. Amidst all the busyness, the stress, the intensity of work lately, it is a good and refreshing reminder to know that all of what I do, is not for man, for but God. It is like spring water to a parched throat, and I sorely needed it.

Now if only I knew what is causing the restlessness and distraction that I feel in my heart. I just can't seem to get my heart to quieten down and be still... to be at peace.