Tired

20 days away from the next Expedition, and I am in a flux, experiencing a whole range of emotions and ups and downs that mirror at times, a roller-coaster.

Yesterday and two days ago, I felt excited at all the possibilities ahead. There's finally so much wonderful developments to the community work that I want to do... big projects to take on, possibilities opened, opportunities presented, that give me a tingling of anticipation and surge of energy just thinking about it... just thinking about all the lives that could be touched through the work.

Today, I just feel like running into the embrace of my Father God. Hiding in the sanctuary of love and peace. Everyday is a battle, a battle against losing faith, a battle against bitterness and anger, a battle against people who drain and suck you dry of positivity, a battle against succumbing to temptation and darkness, a battle against resistance...

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms - Ephesians 6:12

 ... and I'm tired. Of always having to be the strong one, the one who is steadfast in faith, the one who has to rescue, the one who has to be the CAN-do because I am the leader, sometimes the only leader.

For everything that I want to do, for everything that I hope to change in the world, the glaring fact remains that I can do nothing for my family. What is wrong with my family, my parents, my parents-in-law? How do I heal the estrangement in my family? How can I be the agent of change? How do I fight it? At this moment, I just want to give up.... run into my hole, hide and sleep it all away.

You know, the biggest reason of all why I am now a Christian? Because I am dry of inner resources. And all I can do is turn to God.