A new chapter

So I finally did it.

I feel a sense of bittersweet relief, on one hand excited about new beginnings, new possibilities, on the other, terrified that this might not be what I thought it would be. I am at once strangely beseiged by doubts and experiencing flutterings of joy and anticipation. It is a weird, in-between place to be in, being racked by opposite emotions at the same time, and being tugged in different directions from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.

To make it worse, I was almost having anxieties yesterday, thinking about the what-if they suddenly retract the offer, and I am stuck without a job.

I am learning to put it all aside though, this morning waking up to spending an hour with God, worshipping and praising him through songs, music and prayer. It refreshes my soul and calms my spirit. I feel better, even if the doubts are still present, they are more subdued. It is a process of surrendering, and truly, I was thinking today that life really only makes sense in reverse.

In this place where I am in now -- that I am about to exit -- I am beginning to see that it is a place of transitions... a place where I have journeyed to know God, where I have journeyed through disappointments and major hits, to placing my trust and confidence in God. It is also a place where I have come into my own and discovered my calling, where I have met fellow Sisters in Christ, and deepened my faith. I was questioning before -- why was I even here? Till it struck me today that I am here, because God has placed me here to learn and grow, to toughen up and prepare me for my next workplace.

Surrender. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever will be, will be. It is a new chapter, and I am going to walk the next month with confidence and grace, with God at my centre. I have been blessed abundantly. Thank you God.

A little girl named Putri

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.- Romans 8:28

Over the last few days, Putri has truly stolen my heart. In granting her wish, I have been blessed far more than I have blessed, received and gained far more than I have given, and I am so deeply grateful for the experience. She is an angel, so alive and full of joy, only 3 years old but mature beyond her years, with a thirst for life that is so fiery strong, always bursting with cheerfulness and happiness. Anyone who meets Putri would be absolutely charmed. It is almost impossible to meet her and not be changed by the encounter, especially knowing all that she has been through. The pain she has had to suffer was and is immense, racking her frail body and relentless in its assault. Looking at her though, you would never guess the disease that eats away at her inside.

She is a fighter, an adventurer, an explorer, determined to live and embrace life to the fullest, and gung-ho in spirit and soul. She charges unafraid, as if reluctant to lose any precious moments of her life in regret, but she also has many simple moments of joy when she is still and content -- just singing, just dancing, just drawing, just spending time with her loved ones. I love Putri, and I'm so touched by her. The sparkle in her eyes, the coyness in her smile are lovely to behold.

Along the journey, I have asked myself: "Why, God?" "Why inflict such pain on a young soul?" "Why do you want to take her away so soon?" The thought of losing her sends me into tears. I remember feeling such a deep, aching sense of loss when Mediacorp asked Putri's brother, "What will you miss most about Putri?" And my heart screamed Noooooo! Such a wonderful, remarkable young life shouldn't be taken away so soon. It will be such a loss! A big void.

As the questions churned in my mind, I realise that I may not have all the answers - his ways are not my ways, but increasingly Romans 8:28 rings true. God redeems every situation in our life and uses it for good. In granting the wish, I have seen so many angels of kindness coming together to bless Putri and create a magical and unforgettable experience for Putri and her family. The little girl sparks compassion and joy in the people she meets.Volunteers, sponsors, everyone uniting to fulfill Putri's wish and bringing her happiness and strength. It has been a beautiful sight to see, reminding me exactly Master Cheng Yen's words... Every charitable project is really, an opportunity to invite people to care, to share, to bless others. It is so much more meaningful when we are able to create opportunities for people to give.... people who never ever thought about giving in their lives. It shapes a better world.

A spark of love is really all it takes to spark a movement of love. That's the philosophy of paying it forward, as we ignite compassion in others, and inspire more to step forward to make a difference. This amazing people-power is a gift I have experienced. Putri is really an incredible girl, and her wish one that is one immense project of love from so many coming together to bring her joy.

I am wowed and humbled. There are days when I look at the world, and waves of hopelessness well up within because I am only one -- what difference can I make? How much can I do in my limited life, with my limited power? Putri reminds me to see hope -- it doesn't take a big, noble cause to rally hearts together, people are good and every single child, if only we share their story, can melt walls and barriers and inspire compassion and giving. It is the power of multiplication, and the magnitude that can be created with a small group of committed ones is beyond imagination.

I love you Putri.

Random musings

It has been so incredibly eventful that I just haven't had time to pause and write. Just going to pen down random musings on various topics:

On Expedition Agape & Beautiful People:
I'm lost trying to discern God's calling for me in leading Expedition Agape. Maybe He is telling me that this isn't the season for EA yet, and that I need to grow in leading Beautiful People first before I can come back renewed and reinvigorated to bring EA forward yet another lap. I don't know.

Trying to pursue EA has led to some major disappointments with doors being closed. Yet I press on, because this is my heart's desire, and I want to serve the youths -- both boys and girls, in a mentoring journey that opens and widens their horizons both locally and overseas.

Beautiful People is amazing, but I haven't experienced the incredible highs (of course it's also minus the incredible lows) that I have experienced in leading EA. I'm somehow drawn to the mega-challenges, or maybe it's just my irreconcilable stubbornness.

In any case, my focus for now is leading a team of 21 women in Beautiful People to be Big Sisters to the young lives who do not have parental figures in their lives, who crave and desperately seek role models to walk with them in their journey. May God be with me and guide me through this few months of leadership, that I may be able to be the leader that they need me to be.

On Mentoring and Being Mentored: 
 I really love my church. Last Saturday was the start of the one-year mentoring journey in Covenant Young Adults' Network. We were introduced to our mentors (more mentors!) and mentoring group, people who will walk with us and guide us in our spiritual walk. Talking about this with my husband, we reflected on how we are being mentored so that we can be mentors to others... God has blessed us so that we can be a blessing to others.

Coming into this church truly, has given us so many incredible, big-hearted mentors in our lives whom we love and care about... mentors who pamper us with their advice, wisdom, guidance and giving. It has filled my heart, so that I have more in my "heart tank" to give to others, to serve more. More importantly, I now have such a strong conviction for mentoring... it is critical, crucial, indispensable, and what a lot of the young, at-risk youths that we volunteer with lack.

They need people to walk with them through their challenges. If, even I, as a 29 year old, need mentors in my life to point me in the right path when I'm confounded, down and lost... what more a 15 year old still searching for identity and life direction? They need people who are not just with them for a few days, but ready to commit to them, so they know with full security and assurance that they have people to turn to when they need support.... They need better parents, and failing that, adults in their lives who can be their Big Sisters and Big Brothers.

This is my life's calling. I wish I knew with greater clarity, how to manifest and develop that.

Wish Granting: 
Thank you God for bringing little P into my life, that I may see such incredible joy in such a young life. As we grant her wish this week, I really pray that everything goes well and that we can create 3 amazing, beyond-words magical, memorable days for her and her family.

One desire

One thing have I asked of the Lord,
   that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
   all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
   and to inquire in his temple - Psalm 27:4

Truly, that is my one desire. Missed church for the first time yesterday (while not away on holiday), because of the utter exhaustion from the room makeover wish, and I just feel so out of sorts. It's only Monday, and already, I can't wait for this weekend to be home with God and rejuvenated in God's sanctuary.

It was amazing beyond words meeting baby P today. Such a brave little girl, filled with so much joy, bursting with childlikeness and life. It pains my heart to know the sickness that she battles, and that in a few short months, such a beautiful, beautiful young life may be taken away. I have only met her for barely an hour, but I remember her smile, her words, her innocent exclamations. She is so cheerful and bubbly, her laughter tinkling like silver bells.

Her family too, is incredible.... undefeated, close and tightknit, with simple contentment. I really look forward to creating a magical experience for them, a story that can be shared with the rest of the world to inspire and light a candle in a place of darkness.

Burdened

Is this how it is, that as we live year by year, burdens upon us increase too? Regrets, what-ifs, paths not taken.

I really want to let go of the burdens I carry, wish and wish and wish that God will direct my steps and show me which road I should walk. Standing here at a crossroads, I am really at a loss and dilemma, unsure, uncertain, weighing and re-weighing pros and cons, incessantly thinking.

>.<

Running away

Today, I just feel like running away.

I wish I had a strong point of view, a strong opinion that is unshakeable and unwavering, but if truth be told, I often don't, cursed - or blessed - with the gift to view many sides of the same issue. Perspectives. So many human perspectives, vying and tussling for prominence and victory. That seems to be the rule of thumb in the world.

Increasingly, I begin to see that only God's perspective matters. Not mine, not yours, not his, not hers. But how do we enlarge God's perspective in the world, when humans are so narrow-sighted?

I really, really just want to run away... run away to the safe retreat of Church Camp, or God, where I do not have to struggle so.

Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

At A Crossroads

There are times when I really wish I am able to clearly discern God's will in my life. This has been my consistent prayer to God right from last week when different paths suddenly opened up before me. I am really not sure which to take, at times one seems more attractive than the other, and at other times, the reverse occurs.
 
I only know that this is not coincidence... the sheer timing of how events happen one after another are so incredible they are almost miraculous! There's clearly divinity at work here. I just need to be able to see and hear clearly.