Grateful

Sitting here at the airport, where I'm just about to head back home to my life, I feel such a deep pang of sadness washing over me, leaving behind Calvin, leaving behind the team. I really wish I could stay for the entirety of the Expedition and see through the entire journey together with the team, but I think, and I agree too, that God is teaching me the lesson of letting go. This trip has been such a unique one... 

Today, I count my blessings that...

i) i have a supportive, loving, kind and dependable husband who is there with me every step of the way
ii) I have a beautiful team of wonderful, strong, powerful individuals who are united in common purpose
iii) we have the prayers.and heartfelt well wishes from loved ones
iv) we have forged friendships with the Cambodians and experienced the beauty of the country

I am so thankful to God for creating this, and I would not exchange it for anything else in the world. These are precious memories and moments that deeply touch my heart.

I am learning to have faith, learning that my team is more than capable and I can let go of the "Saviour mentality" that I need to take on the heavy load of leadership alone. Every individual has shown me that he or she can shine, their light bringing such depth to the team, it humbles me.

Thank you God, for this could not have been created without you, this could not have been possible without you. While I may have tears because of my sadness that this all ended too prematurely for me, I am grateful. It has been an experience I will never forget.

Tired

20 days away from the next Expedition, and I am in a flux, experiencing a whole range of emotions and ups and downs that mirror at times, a roller-coaster.

Yesterday and two days ago, I felt excited at all the possibilities ahead. There's finally so much wonderful developments to the community work that I want to do... big projects to take on, possibilities opened, opportunities presented, that give me a tingling of anticipation and surge of energy just thinking about it... just thinking about all the lives that could be touched through the work.

Today, I just feel like running into the embrace of my Father God. Hiding in the sanctuary of love and peace. Everyday is a battle, a battle against losing faith, a battle against bitterness and anger, a battle against people who drain and suck you dry of positivity, a battle against succumbing to temptation and darkness, a battle against resistance...

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms - Ephesians 6:12

 ... and I'm tired. Of always having to be the strong one, the one who is steadfast in faith, the one who has to rescue, the one who has to be the CAN-do because I am the leader, sometimes the only leader.

For everything that I want to do, for everything that I hope to change in the world, the glaring fact remains that I can do nothing for my family. What is wrong with my family, my parents, my parents-in-law? How do I heal the estrangement in my family? How can I be the agent of change? How do I fight it? At this moment, I just want to give up.... run into my hole, hide and sleep it all away.

You know, the biggest reason of all why I am now a Christian? Because I am dry of inner resources. And all I can do is turn to God.

I of little faith

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. - Matthew 8:23 - 26

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said,“why did you doubt?” - Matthew 14:31

I realised how little faith I have. Faith, is the belief in things unseen, things yet seen. Yet conviction and simple trust holds us to the belief that it is. We have faith that when we sleep tonight, we will wake up in the morning. We have faith that when the sun sets, it will once again rise. These things have happened again and again, hence we have the utmost reassurance that it will not fail.

What if it has not yet happened? Why do I find it so difficult to have faith when simply, I can trust that God will provide, and that in everything, his grace and blessing is sufficient for me. This Saturday's event will be filled with his grace, and that is all that is needed. Why do I not believe? Why must I adopt a "This can't be possible, until I see it" attitude? Denial fails me. Only the closest person to me knows that despite what my actions say, my heart rings with unbelief.

I pray for faith, dear Lord. The faith to believe.

Paralyzing fear

I thank you Lord for a husband who believes when my confidence is flailing, for a husband who is also a cheerleader and steadfast pillar for me in times when my belief wanes.

I don't know why, but I was truly paralyzed by fear yesterday, that my ability to lead floundered. I could not find the enthusiasm to express my dream, could not find the courage to move past the rock of fear that blocked my thoughts, and could not look into their eyes, because I felt afraid. EA has always been a vision that I lived and breathed, and I admit that there has been a series of challenges that have come one after another as I choose to run it independently for the first time, outside of CV.

Something inside me knows that it's the right direction and right path, because while CV has been incredible for impactful programmes and big-hearted volunteers, but it just doesn't have the mentoring focus, and the structures in existence to build the lives of the youths through lasting relationships. EA and CV lack the resonance and alignment in purpose and values. What we believe in diverges.

But truth be told, it has been so tough, roadblock after roadblock, that there are just times when I wonder if it's the right choice after all. Yesterday was probably a culmination of all the negatives, when I only remembered the negatives, and failed to remind myself of the positives. I am not sure now how to recover my strength and my confidence, but I am grateful that at this time, I can lean on my husband's strength, clarity and steadfastness, and above all, I can submit it all to the Lord.

Helpless

Today, Joyce Meyer's words "I don't need one more messed up person in my life" really echoes in my mind. Is it true that when we reach middle age, we throw caution to the wind, and live without constraints and boundaries, acting without reflecting on consequences but simply fulfill our pleasure principle? Instead of having parents who are role models, I am finding myself in the situation to take care of my parents as if they are children, and being confounded by a web of lies and deceit.

There's nothing much I can do beyond being here to offer a listening ear, and worrying for them. Submitting my anxieties to the Lord and keeping them in prayers.

Father Lord, would you please be at the centre of their lives, and touch them from the inside-out, that they may know you, accept you, and embrace you as their Lord and Saviour...

New beginnings

I am now in the full-time work of nurturing lives. It is full-time in every sense of the word... and truly, it looks like I have finally found my calling -- working with at-risk youths who are struggling in their lives and battling everyday for survival. I love it, love being in an environment where everyone's genuinely committed to make a difference and contribute, where I can feel comfortable to share who I am. I love being able to play a role in creating possibilities.

Developing lives, nurturing lives, growing the life potential of the youths, and enabling them to find their career pathways is what I do Mondays to Fridays. Weekends -- and even some weekday nights -- I have my voluntary commitments, where I volunteer with children and youths to also invest in their lives... through education and mentoring.

Time is indeed short, and there are often challenges, discouragements, disappointments. But I know in my heart that I am in the right place, at the right time, blessed by God to make a difference. Thank you God. 

Yes I Can

As if it wasn't scary enough, now I have to wait for the results of my medical exam. I can imagine how it feels for countless others who go through the same process... detection of possible abnormalities, sent for further testing, then waiting. The period of waiting is often the most difficult, because of the uncertainties that loom ahead. Gripped by fear, gripped by the unknown, afraid that the worst possibilities may be true.

I am thankful to God though. Thankful for the opportunity to go through the test, and thankful for the lesson to put my absolute trust in Him and Him alone. It is not an easy lesson to learn, but again, God reminds me that He is sovereign... what cause for anxieties do I have? Good or bad, positive or negative, no matter what are the circumstances, He will carry me through it all. He is not just the God of good times, but more importantly, the God who sees us through and redeems the low points in our lives.

It has been a humbling lesson that I am grateful to learn, as I have been drawn by necessity to surrender, nudging myself to let go of the fears, and just be. It will be okay. Whatever happens, it will be okay. And it truly is amazing that our faith is strengthened and deepened through crises. If there was none of that in our lives, if we were just coasting through... things might have been different.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope - Romans 5:3-4