Again another threat.
Sometimes I don't know if that is all I am to you, a means to an end, contacting me only when you see the need to make use of me.
And you feel the need to use threats, like cutting off all ties with me if I don't comply with your wish, in order to compel me to your way.
I don't know what I should do, to say yes or no. But it hurts like hell to know that you think a threat is necessary to solicit agreement. Hurts to know that our relationship is just that -- a tool that you use to get your way.
It's really painful >.< I wish to God that He could take it all away.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
Looking back at 2012
I have been wanting to write this post for a while to recount and record the year that's flown by. 2012 has been one of my toughest years. It was truly the "best of times and the worst of times", being both challenging, difficult, arduous, and also stretching me in growth, character and perseverance.
The last day of 2012 was incredible.
Ending it by sharing the testimony of how Calvin and I came to know God and how God has worked in our lives, in front of almost 2,000 people in the presence of the church and God. It was scary as hell, but thereafter, the outpourings of gratitude and encouragements from friends and strangers were amazing. We were thankful and humbled by people who came forward to pray for us and with us, and to say that our sharing has inspired them. This is all the work of God, and no one else. Thank you God for this opportunity to touch lives and testify to your greatness.
And the year in quick/brief summation...
1) Expedition Agape - God brought us through some of the lowest lows in Expedition Agape... we knocked on doors, and couldn't find any possibility of connection. No openings, no grace, no favour with the people we met. The Exco I tried to built fizzled. Many hits and bumps later, including my own leadership struggle and doubts, we soared. And it was unbelievable how vast the transition was, how great the chasm that it crossed.
Now, LFC is open to endorse and accept EA, the team that has just returned from Cambodia grew and bonded by leaps and bounds, we have burgeoning reserves with donations still pouring in, there are people jumping onboard Team 2013 and expressing commitment... the list of blessings we have to be thankful for is endless. I can't explain it, but I am thankful for this journey where I have learnt so much.
2) Career - God has led me into my calling in 2012. After a difficult and challenging stint in my past workplace, God has led me to my oasis, and granted me grace to excel in an area of my passion and greatest love. I feel like my life has been in preparation for this, where I can finally gather my strengths and pour them to best benefit the lives that I touch. More so than anything else, is the environment... with supportive, like-minded, loving colleagues and superiors. I can't ask for anything more.
After a dark period of uncertainty, doubts and challenges, I finally journeyed into light.
3) Family - Again, it feels like a juxtaposition of dark and light. Calvin and I walked into some of our most difficult and thorny issues... with our parents and in-laws, finances, personality differences. Leaning on God's strength and wisdom, we survived through the clashes and the lows, and walked through the pit, emerging stronger. I have seen Calvin grow and mature as a husband, leader and son, and I pray to God that He will strengthen our marriage, our relationship and our friendship with each other, and help us to rise above the storms to unite in vision and purpose.
With my parents -- it has truly never been tougher. I am at the cusp of hopelessness. I don't know how to overcome this rock... this wall. Even so, I continue to trust in God that he will create possibilities where there seem to be none. I hope and pray that it will all work out for good... with my parents, with my brother. If there's anything to celebrate at all, it's that my brother sent me a happy birthday SMS, for the first time in my life. Maybe this is the beginning of something positive?
4) Volunteering - In 2012, CV is no longer a part of my life. There's a sense of loss, but there's just been no time to grieve. Instead, I have grown to lead a new programme in Beautiful People, one where 20 adult volunteers and 18 teenage girls are placed in my hands, and I lead them in growth to journey towards their dreams. I have soared as a leader in BP, but ironically, also seen my own biggest leadership doubts crash to the surface in EA. By women, for girls -- is something unique in BP that resonates with me. There's value in the work, and this ministry is deeply precious because it is about girls empowering girls, building a safe place for conversation, sharing and engagement.
And together with Calvin, we have granted wishes in Make-A-Wish, created magical moments for young children and their families... I thank God everyday that we have the opportunity to do so... to make a difference, to bring joy and fulfillment into lives that hurt. But it hasn't been easy too... we have had to navigate tough decisions, balancing different interests... the struggles aside, end of the day, we are grateful that MAW gave us the most memorable thank you dinner experience ever. It blew our minds to indulge in the meal at one of the best restaurants in Singapore, to be pampered in such a manner.
Then, there's SR, PTC... where we had the chance to learn and to serve in a meaningful way.
5) God/Church - The new mentoring group that we are in has been one blessed by God, without which there wouldn't have been open doors for EA. Church camp last year also counts as one of the best experiences EVER in my life... a "spiritual spa" that I love and enjoy every moment of. Serving in Sunbeam, being part of the church community to connect, bond and grow... this pillar of my life recharges, rejuvenates and energises me to give more, to do more, to make my life one in service of God because He has given me so much.
6) Travel - The first half of the year, I was travelling every month, and sometimes twice a month. Jakarta, Shanghai, Jakarta, then Bali, and finally Church Camp. The second half of the year was quieter on the travel calendar, with only 2 trips to Cambodia, one with Hazel, Justin, Choo Jin and Calvin, and the second for EA 2012. All the trips were memorable.
Jakarta -- for being able to serve and contribute to Sahabat Anak, and to lead the team in my previous workplace to venture beyond their comfort zone and make a meaningful difference to the street children, Shanghai -- for staying at one of the best hotels ever ;) Lovely indulgence.
Bali -- a trip with mother-in-law, then our cell group friends, both amazing, fantastic, and memorable for completely different reasons altogether. The former because we made our mummy happy and she loved the trip, the latter because we were enriched by the sharing, connection and friendships forged. Always love the peaceful tranquility of Bali.
---
New friends, new learnings, new discoveries... I have walked through dark, tough, difficult moments and situations... but always, God has been with me and seen me through. God is moulding me and using me for his purposes, and I surrender my life into his hands to use as He sees fit.
I don't dare to imagine what 2013 will hold. I just know that it will be another miraculous year, one where God will exceed his Promises to us, His children. First and foremost as a priority though, I just need rest. Sweet peaceful rest.
Ending it by sharing the testimony of how Calvin and I came to know God and how God has worked in our lives, in front of almost 2,000 people in the presence of the church and God. It was scary as hell, but thereafter, the outpourings of gratitude and encouragements from friends and strangers were amazing. We were thankful and humbled by people who came forward to pray for us and with us, and to say that our sharing has inspired them. This is all the work of God, and no one else. Thank you God for this opportunity to touch lives and testify to your greatness.
And the year in quick/brief summation...
1) Expedition Agape - God brought us through some of the lowest lows in Expedition Agape... we knocked on doors, and couldn't find any possibility of connection. No openings, no grace, no favour with the people we met. The Exco I tried to built fizzled. Many hits and bumps later, including my own leadership struggle and doubts, we soared. And it was unbelievable how vast the transition was, how great the chasm that it crossed.
Now, LFC is open to endorse and accept EA, the team that has just returned from Cambodia grew and bonded by leaps and bounds, we have burgeoning reserves with donations still pouring in, there are people jumping onboard Team 2013 and expressing commitment... the list of blessings we have to be thankful for is endless. I can't explain it, but I am thankful for this journey where I have learnt so much.
2) Career - God has led me into my calling in 2012. After a difficult and challenging stint in my past workplace, God has led me to my oasis, and granted me grace to excel in an area of my passion and greatest love. I feel like my life has been in preparation for this, where I can finally gather my strengths and pour them to best benefit the lives that I touch. More so than anything else, is the environment... with supportive, like-minded, loving colleagues and superiors. I can't ask for anything more.
After a dark period of uncertainty, doubts and challenges, I finally journeyed into light.
3) Family - Again, it feels like a juxtaposition of dark and light. Calvin and I walked into some of our most difficult and thorny issues... with our parents and in-laws, finances, personality differences. Leaning on God's strength and wisdom, we survived through the clashes and the lows, and walked through the pit, emerging stronger. I have seen Calvin grow and mature as a husband, leader and son, and I pray to God that He will strengthen our marriage, our relationship and our friendship with each other, and help us to rise above the storms to unite in vision and purpose.
With my parents -- it has truly never been tougher. I am at the cusp of hopelessness. I don't know how to overcome this rock... this wall. Even so, I continue to trust in God that he will create possibilities where there seem to be none. I hope and pray that it will all work out for good... with my parents, with my brother. If there's anything to celebrate at all, it's that my brother sent me a happy birthday SMS, for the first time in my life. Maybe this is the beginning of something positive?
4) Volunteering - In 2012, CV is no longer a part of my life. There's a sense of loss, but there's just been no time to grieve. Instead, I have grown to lead a new programme in Beautiful People, one where 20 adult volunteers and 18 teenage girls are placed in my hands, and I lead them in growth to journey towards their dreams. I have soared as a leader in BP, but ironically, also seen my own biggest leadership doubts crash to the surface in EA. By women, for girls -- is something unique in BP that resonates with me. There's value in the work, and this ministry is deeply precious because it is about girls empowering girls, building a safe place for conversation, sharing and engagement.
And together with Calvin, we have granted wishes in Make-A-Wish, created magical moments for young children and their families... I thank God everyday that we have the opportunity to do so... to make a difference, to bring joy and fulfillment into lives that hurt. But it hasn't been easy too... we have had to navigate tough decisions, balancing different interests... the struggles aside, end of the day, we are grateful that MAW gave us the most memorable thank you dinner experience ever. It blew our minds to indulge in the meal at one of the best restaurants in Singapore, to be pampered in such a manner.
Then, there's SR, PTC... where we had the chance to learn and to serve in a meaningful way.
5) God/Church - The new mentoring group that we are in has been one blessed by God, without which there wouldn't have been open doors for EA. Church camp last year also counts as one of the best experiences EVER in my life... a "spiritual spa" that I love and enjoy every moment of. Serving in Sunbeam, being part of the church community to connect, bond and grow... this pillar of my life recharges, rejuvenates and energises me to give more, to do more, to make my life one in service of God because He has given me so much.
6) Travel - The first half of the year, I was travelling every month, and sometimes twice a month. Jakarta, Shanghai, Jakarta, then Bali, and finally Church Camp. The second half of the year was quieter on the travel calendar, with only 2 trips to Cambodia, one with Hazel, Justin, Choo Jin and Calvin, and the second for EA 2012. All the trips were memorable.
Jakarta -- for being able to serve and contribute to Sahabat Anak, and to lead the team in my previous workplace to venture beyond their comfort zone and make a meaningful difference to the street children, Shanghai -- for staying at one of the best hotels ever ;) Lovely indulgence.
Bali -- a trip with mother-in-law, then our cell group friends, both amazing, fantastic, and memorable for completely different reasons altogether. The former because we made our mummy happy and she loved the trip, the latter because we were enriched by the sharing, connection and friendships forged. Always love the peaceful tranquility of Bali.
---
New friends, new learnings, new discoveries... I have walked through dark, tough, difficult moments and situations... but always, God has been with me and seen me through. God is moulding me and using me for his purposes, and I surrender my life into his hands to use as He sees fit.
I don't dare to imagine what 2013 will hold. I just know that it will be another miraculous year, one where God will exceed his Promises to us, His children. First and foremost as a priority though, I just need rest. Sweet peaceful rest.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Grateful
Sitting here at the airport, where I'm just about to head back home to my life, I feel such a deep pang of sadness washing over me, leaving behind Calvin, leaving behind the team. I really wish I could stay for the entirety of the Expedition and see through the entire journey together with the team, but I think, and I agree too, that God is teaching me the lesson of letting go. This trip has been such a unique one...
Today, I count my blessings that...
i) i have a supportive, loving, kind and dependable husband who is there with me every step of the way
ii) I have a beautiful team of wonderful, strong, powerful individuals who are united in common purpose
iii) we have the prayers.and heartfelt well wishes from loved ones
iv) we have forged friendships with the Cambodians and experienced the beauty of the country
ii) I have a beautiful team of wonderful, strong, powerful individuals who are united in common purpose
iii) we have the prayers.and heartfelt well wishes from loved ones
iv) we have forged friendships with the Cambodians and experienced the beauty of the country
I am so thankful to God for creating this, and I would not exchange it for anything else in the world. These are precious memories and moments that deeply touch my heart.
I am learning to have faith, learning that my team is more than capable and I can let go of the "Saviour mentality" that I need to take on the heavy load of leadership alone. Every individual has shown me that he or she can shine, their light bringing such depth to the team, it humbles me.
Thank you God, for this could not have been created without you, this could not have been possible without you. While I may have tears because of my sadness that this all ended too prematurely for me, I am grateful. It has been an experience I will never forget.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Tired
20 days away from the next Expedition, and I am in a flux, experiencing a whole range of emotions and ups and downs that mirror at times, a roller-coaster.
Yesterday and two days ago, I felt excited at all the possibilities ahead. There's finally so much wonderful developments to the community work that I want to do... big projects to take on, possibilities opened, opportunities presented, that give me a tingling of anticipation and surge of energy just thinking about it... just thinking about all the lives that could be touched through the work.
Today, I just feel like running into the embrace of my Father God. Hiding in the sanctuary of love and peace. Everyday is a battle, a battle against losing faith, a battle against bitterness and anger, a battle against people who drain and suck you dry of positivity, a battle against succumbing to temptation and darkness, a battle against resistance...
For everything that I want to do, for everything that I hope to change in the world, the glaring fact remains that I can do nothing for my family. What is wrong with my family, my parents, my parents-in-law? How do I heal the estrangement in my family? How can I be the agent of change? How do I fight it? At this moment, I just want to give up.... run into my hole, hide and sleep it all away.
You know, the biggest reason of all why I am now a Christian? Because I am dry of inner resources. And all I can do is turn to God.
Yesterday and two days ago, I felt excited at all the possibilities ahead. There's finally so much wonderful developments to the community work that I want to do... big projects to take on, possibilities opened, opportunities presented, that give me a tingling of anticipation and surge of energy just thinking about it... just thinking about all the lives that could be touched through the work.
Today, I just feel like running into the embrace of my Father God. Hiding in the sanctuary of love and peace. Everyday is a battle, a battle against losing faith, a battle against bitterness and anger, a battle against people who drain and suck you dry of positivity, a battle against succumbing to temptation and darkness, a battle against resistance...
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms - Ephesians 6:12... and I'm tired. Of always having to be the strong one, the one who is steadfast in faith, the one who has to rescue, the one who has to be the CAN-do because I am the leader, sometimes the only leader.
For everything that I want to do, for everything that I hope to change in the world, the glaring fact remains that I can do nothing for my family. What is wrong with my family, my parents, my parents-in-law? How do I heal the estrangement in my family? How can I be the agent of change? How do I fight it? At this moment, I just want to give up.... run into my hole, hide and sleep it all away.
You know, the biggest reason of all why I am now a Christian? Because I am dry of inner resources. And all I can do is turn to God.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
I of little faith
Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. - Matthew 8:23 - 26
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said,“why did you doubt?” - Matthew 14:31
I realised how little faith I have. Faith, is the belief in things unseen, things yet seen. Yet conviction and simple trust holds us to the belief that it is. We have faith that when we sleep tonight, we will wake up in the morning. We have faith that when the sun sets, it will once again rise. These things have happened again and again, hence we have the utmost reassurance that it will not fail.
What if it has not yet happened? Why do I find it so difficult to have faith when simply, I can trust that God will provide, and that in everything, his grace and blessing is sufficient for me. This Saturday's event will be filled with his grace, and that is all that is needed. Why do I not believe? Why must I adopt a "This can't be possible, until I see it" attitude? Denial fails me. Only the closest person to me knows that despite what my actions say, my heart rings with unbelief.
I pray for faith, dear Lord. The faith to believe.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Paralyzing fear
I thank you Lord for a husband who believes when my confidence is flailing, for a husband who is also a cheerleader and steadfast pillar for me in times when my belief wanes.
I don't know why, but I was truly paralyzed by fear yesterday, that my ability to lead floundered. I could not find the enthusiasm to express my dream, could not find the courage to move past the rock of fear that blocked my thoughts, and could not look into their eyes, because I felt afraid. EA has always been a vision that I lived and breathed, and I admit that there has been a series of challenges that have come one after another as I choose to run it independently for the first time, outside of CV.
Something inside me knows that it's the right direction and right path, because while CV has been incredible for impactful programmes and big-hearted volunteers, but it just doesn't have the mentoring focus, and the structures in existence to build the lives of the youths through lasting relationships. EA and CV lack the resonance and alignment in purpose and values. What we believe in diverges.
But truth be told, it has been so tough, roadblock after roadblock, that there are just times when I wonder if it's the right choice after all. Yesterday was probably a culmination of all the negatives, when I only remembered the negatives, and failed to remind myself of the positives. I am not sure now how to recover my strength and my confidence, but I am grateful that at this time, I can lean on my husband's strength, clarity and steadfastness, and above all, I can submit it all to the Lord.
I don't know why, but I was truly paralyzed by fear yesterday, that my ability to lead floundered. I could not find the enthusiasm to express my dream, could not find the courage to move past the rock of fear that blocked my thoughts, and could not look into their eyes, because I felt afraid. EA has always been a vision that I lived and breathed, and I admit that there has been a series of challenges that have come one after another as I choose to run it independently for the first time, outside of CV.
Something inside me knows that it's the right direction and right path, because while CV has been incredible for impactful programmes and big-hearted volunteers, but it just doesn't have the mentoring focus, and the structures in existence to build the lives of the youths through lasting relationships. EA and CV lack the resonance and alignment in purpose and values. What we believe in diverges.
But truth be told, it has been so tough, roadblock after roadblock, that there are just times when I wonder if it's the right choice after all. Yesterday was probably a culmination of all the negatives, when I only remembered the negatives, and failed to remind myself of the positives. I am not sure now how to recover my strength and my confidence, but I am grateful that at this time, I can lean on my husband's strength, clarity and steadfastness, and above all, I can submit it all to the Lord.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Helpless
Today, Joyce Meyer's words "I don't need one more messed up person in my life" really echoes in my mind. Is it true that when we reach middle age, we throw caution to the wind, and live without constraints and boundaries, acting without reflecting on consequences but simply fulfill our pleasure principle? Instead of having parents who are role models, I am finding myself in the situation to take care of my parents as if they are children, and being confounded by a web of lies and deceit.
There's nothing much I can do beyond being here to offer a listening ear, and worrying for them. Submitting my anxieties to the Lord and keeping them in prayers.
Father Lord, would you please be at the centre of their lives, and touch them from the inside-out, that they may know you, accept you, and embrace you as their Lord and Saviour...
There's nothing much I can do beyond being here to offer a listening ear, and worrying for them. Submitting my anxieties to the Lord and keeping them in prayers.
Father Lord, would you please be at the centre of their lives, and touch them from the inside-out, that they may know you, accept you, and embrace you as their Lord and Saviour...
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