The year of 2014

Time flies by too quickly. Before I know it, it's another year and I am reminding myself to take the discipline and time to note down my thoughts and reflections for the year. Otherwise experiences are stored in memories and memories turn to dust, and what has happened would have flown by too swiftly, too ephemerally. So, thank God for a quiet, tranquil 1st Jan morning to start the year, where I can sit and have the space of time to write... 

My 2014 has been a year of great heartaches and great joys. I remember what Rev Edmund Chan said -- that joy and sadness do not exist in isolation. They in fact run in parallel. Because I have experienced pain, I am more able to cherish happiness. Because I have seen brokenness, I treasure little sweet moments of exhilaration. Because I have walked through darkness, I desire light and rainbows with deep desperation. There is a refining, teaching purpose to the downs of our life that too often can only be appreciated on hindsight, in retrospect. My prayer in 2015 is not for less pain, as much as each experience is heart rending, but that God will grant me the added strength, wisdom and capacity to walk through these seasons and periods, and that my growth emerging from this journey will shape me and mould me to be a better instrument of peace for God. 

The word that describes my 2014: gratitude. 

I am grateful for the opportunity to pursue my studies and passion in social work. Resuming school after a gap of 10 years is not easy, and there are times when I am so fatigued during the weekday evenings' lessons and am weighed down by the pressure of impending deadlines of assignments and projects. Nevertheless, I delight in the expanding vista of knowledge that is opened to me, and really enjoy the learning and the foundation that it grants me. 

I am grateful for the opportunity to work in Lakeside, and to manage the Youth Corps project. When one door closes, another opens, and I truly see God at work in my career, leading me in the path of my calling to serve Him on a more intimate and personal level. I would never have expected the department at my previous workplace to wind down; I enjoy the work tremendously and probably would not have left at all otherwise. But it did and here I am. It is my first time working in a Christian environment, and it has brought me closer than ever to God, I feel. I take delight in the morning devotions, where I can start by dedicating my day to our awesome Saviour. And the Youth Corps project was really a gift from Heaven.. An unexpected portfolio that I would not have thought I would be taking up at the start of the year. But... Here I am. I thank God for this chance to work with and mentor a group of passionate, driven youths who each have the heart to contribute and do their best for the community. Truly praying that I will be able to help them discover the purpose and joy of volunteering and come to embrace service as an integral part of life. 

I am grateful for the new life growing within me, that God has blessed Calvin and I with... Thank you God for baby Christopher. I have not seen him, but I already love him. Nursing and nurturing a new life within me gives me the sense of responsibility like nothing else can. I believe it is the same for Calvin, which is why I have also witnessed him making personal breakthroughs in his growth and determination to be a better role model for our child. I start to think a lot about life... And death. And it has been a very reflective, introspective time, especially revering the incredible magic and mystery of life, of creation. I also start to think about my mother, my parents, and even Calvin's parents a lot, wondering what it was like for them when Calvin and I were born, and before the family "broke apart". Was there as much joy bubbling within them as they welcome us into the world? In this journey of soon to come parenthood, I really thank God for Calvin. I see the way God is shaping and moulding him to be more and more Christlike, and pray that God will sustain the positive changes within him and continue to lead him in His will and for His glory. 

I am grateful for new possibilities. God showed me that He is faithful when He did the almost-impossible and my mother contacted me with the willingness to forgive and reconcile. I know this could be only temporary. As much as it is so, I still embrace this new hope with joy and thanksgiving, trusting in God that He has His perfect plan in place and He will restore all things in His perfect timing. I know that He wants to restore broken relationships and it gives me hope that the other estranged, broken relationships that I have experienced may be mended and renewed too, in time. It gives me hope and renewed patience. It also gives me hope that my family may be united and bonded one day, that the ice between my brother and I may melt and we may come together with love and harmony one day. 

I am grateful for new friendships, especially J. It surprises me how close we have grown in the last one year, and I thank God for His goodness that he has brought her into our lives at a time when we need it most. She revives and inspires me to continue to believe, especially when my passion is wavering and things are getting difficult. Her support and presence are like a burst of sunshine bringing immense encouragement to my sometimes tired heart. She inspires me to want to do more, do better, and there is no one else that I would rather have to work alongside me at Lakeside and in Expedition Agape. Truly thankful for J, a new friend who has become like a sister and family to me and Calvin in the short span of time that we know each other. 

and there are many other new friendships too. The friends at Lakeside, the friends from Youth Corps, my NUS classmates.... Each and every person reminds me of possibilities and hope and I am thankful for the chance to have the opportunity to cross paths with so many this year, thankful for the exchange and sharing of new experiences and exchange and sharing of life. 

I am grateful for where God has led Expedition Agape this year. It is the first time we have two mentoring journeys in the same year, two overseas trips in the same year. It is also the first time Calvin and I did not have to lead and the baton is passed on to S and J. We have been blessed by the new volunteers onboard Expedition Agape, the refreshing and rejuvenating opportunity to meet new like-minded friends who have the compassion and love to contribute to the world. We have also been blessed by new supporters... People who believe in us and who see the heart in the work we do. Thank you... And as much as I received the distressing news of farewell of an esteemed volunteer at the end of 2014, God also encourages me to see the silver lining and to celebrate the memories and experiences and amazing learnings that have been created through Expedition Agape. We received news of the upcoming nuptials of our first (and currently only) couple brought together through Expedition Agape. Seeing how happy they are together is heartening and reminds me to always trust in God, to have faith. 

In 2014, I also bade farewell to a dear friend, Uncle J and to our mentoring group. These are the heartaches that hurt most. Even so, I am grateful for Uncle J who has taught me so much. His joy at embracing his illness and his unflagging optimism were inspiring. His love for people and his goodness are amazing. I am also encouraged by D's dedication to serve and minister to Uncle J and his family. These experiences have taught me humility, strength, perseverance and most of all, love. As for the mentoring group, I trust that God is making space and time for the plans that He has for me and truly, it is so because our weekends have been immensely and intensely filled. 

I am thankful to C and R, our dear friends who returned from Sri Lanka in September. They have been such a wonderful blessing to Calvin and I in more ways than one, and they really touch us with their care and love. For the first time in our lives, we have had a home cooked meal to celebrate Christmas and Calvin's birthday and I was moved by the incredible effort and thoughtfulness that C took to prepare the meal. Thank God that He brought these lovely Angels into our life. And so many more... Our Care Group has showered love upon us time and again and we are really thankful for each and every couple who took time to share with us their lives, who took time to offer us love and who took time to bless us in small and big ways. The Care Group has really been an anchor of support and a community of friends who have been encouraging us always. Deeply thankful especially to S and M and R and A, these big hearted couples who walk with us through our ups and downs and who always invest their love and patience in us, reminding us to model God's ways and to strive to be better people for each other and others. 

The morning breakfasts with Dad have continued and I am grateful for time with him as well as for the Hong Kong trip that we took together this year. It was Taiwan last year and Hong Kong this year. I admit that I never really know exactly what to say to Dad and often there are times of silence when we are together. I never really know how to have a heartfelt conversation and sharing with Dad, to really understand how he is doing and how Calvin and I can be of support to him. Spending time with him is probably the only expression of love I know how. And I am thankful that with the new job at Lakeside, I am able to have dinner on some of the weekday evenings with him too. 

Love the overseas trips this year too. Our very first EA volunteers overseas trip to Bangkok, our recce trip with S, J and K to Cambodia, the retreat to Malaca with J and colleagues... And of course EA Thailand in June to Radion, spending two weeks with them in the space of serenity in Khek Noi. 

There's also the FiT Staycation over my birthday weekend, L's lovely home made tiramisu cake for me to celebrate my birthday, and being part of Make A Wish's Santa Run and Christmas Party. 

That brings the summation of my 2014 to a close. I might not have captured everything, but truly, it has been a good year. Thankful to God and where He has brought me, and looking forward to the year of Jubilee and baby Christopher this year :)

Recounting 2013

I do my utmost to review the year that's past, simply because time flies by too quickly and if I don't do that, I will probably forget most of what's happened. Memories are precious, and remembering the lessons we have gained each year, are some of the most important things we can do for ourselves. It reminds me how often Jesus asked his disciples to remember, remember, remember. Even the holy communion is an act of remembrance. We are such forgetful creatures. What's not remembered is lost to the sands of time.

I didn't manage to do that in Dec, but before Jan's entirely lost... I shall attempt to do an exercise of recollection of some of the memorable memories.

Marriage - I love the journey we have taken, the journey of learning, growth and love. I feel like God is refining us, moulding us, shaping us to be better instruments for his use. And the quote that I found today encapsulates this...

"We are all broken people, but when we make the choice to meet each other where we are, God's love can make something beautiful out of our brokenness." 

Truly. I am not perfect. Neither is Calvin. There's been alot of acceptance, alot of moving forward, alot of understanding and new beginnings.

Family - Eating breakfast with dad and Calvin on those Saturday mornings is a precious memory. I love it to pieces. It is such a simple ritual, but so precious because of its simplicity, that it never fails to bring fondness and joy when I recall it.

What I also enjoy -- the time with grandma, the time with mum-in-law, visiting cousins and their babies, visiting eldest uncle at his relative's home... very very sweet.

Lakeside - I feel like I have found a new family in Lakeside. The welcome that Calvin & I receive is tremendous, and we are so blessed by the acceptance, the love, the openness. I love the people and new friends we met, love the time that we spend with them. The retreat in JB was a joy as well, time with God, time with new friends, time of relaxation with Calvin.

Expedition Agape - Wow, the growth amazes me. Thank God for where He is leading us in Expedition Agape. I am grateful for the volunteers, and the ones who have chosen to lead. I am grateful for Timor Leste, for the beautiful and special expedition over 13 days that we have created as a family. Beyond words.

~A post that I did not manage to finish, but finding it now on the first day of 2015, I decided to publish it anyway :)~

It's a lonely journey

Just choked with emotions and feeling all morose. I think it's the accumulation of everything that is weighing me down.

I really can't wait for my break.

Purpose

Yesterday's mentoring group discussion was about Purpose, which led me to remember this article which I wrote a while back:

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I have always felt a deep resonance about humanity in brokenness -- the hurts and sorrow built up within and through the fragments of ourselves. From the individual, family, to the community, brokenness is present. Perhaps it is because I have seen my parents go through perpetual arguments, mental illness, marital affairs, suicide attempts, divorce and gambling. The calling that compels me to action now after the fractures that I have witnessed, is to make a difference, to assuage the brokenness that I see and to serve other young people who are hurting and guide them to see possibilities instead of dead ends in their lives.

From the time I became the community involvement programme representative for my class and faculty in Junior College, I realised that I no longer needed to be a bystander. Against the tide of brokenness that was ever-present, I could act. My volunteering efforts started then, when I rallied my schoolmates in my class and in the Arts Faculty to contribute to low-income and underprivileged children through “I can read” camps and activities. 10 years on, and the unfailing vision and purpose that I continue to embrace, is to invest in the next generation, particularly in the children and youths who may be deemed “at risk” by society.

It is my pivotal focus because these are the ones who will be establishing their own families in another 5 to 15 years. Investing in them is investing in the society of tomorrow. A youth given the seeds of confidence and self-esteem, and the seeds in him nurtured and watered into bloom through empowerment to rise above his hurts, to realise his dreams and fullest potential, is a family saved. Only then, can healthy, happy families emerge.

The past decade has seen me part of different organisations and also taking on volunteer leadership roles, but the core focus and hunger that I have to make a difference to young people remains. Each experience and involvement has been life-changing, shaping my perspective and widening my horizons as well as deepening my capacity to contribute. 

I am one individual, but I press on because being a mentor to a young person and enabling youths who were once struggling, to see possibilities in their lives, is life-transforming, important work. By inspiring others to join me in these efforts, by touching the heart of compassion that resides in every one of us -- one person can create ripples of change to eventually shape the culture and DNA of the society into one that is restorative, and one where brokenness is healed. 

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What I missed out from the short piece that I wrote, is God. God is the driving force behind my desire, spurring me on to a life of purpose. Without God, life is all vanity. 

Legacy

It is just so wonderfully apt that this Sunday's message in Church is about Legacy. It has been a word that has been on my mind so much these days, growing increasingly stronger and resounding in intensity in my being as the days pass.

I was reminded of it again practically everyday this last week.

On Tuesday, I heard about The Crayon Box story. We are each of us a crayon, playing our small part to create beautiful pictures in the world. As we draw and as we paint, our crayon is getting shorter and shorter. It is all the more important that we treasure the crayon left in us, and we aim to create as many beautiful pictures as we can. Time is running out; I feel an incredible sense of urgency to do, to give, to push. Perhaps that is why I feel so impatient at times when I don't see results, and I get so disheartened when doors don't open. Because there is no time! I am torn between striking a balance to wait for God's perfect timing, and hastily making things happen.

This is the one magical week, in a long, long, long, long time where I did not have any appointments planned in the evenings. Every day was spent with Calvin and we will have a simple dinner together, converse, share and then travel home together after work. As I see him in the same struggle that I was in just barely a few months ago, caught between the safe comfort of the work that we know and which we know is financially secure and stable, and moving forward to our passion, to an area where potentially we can impact more lives, touch more lives and shape the next generation, I know it is not easy for him. The future is unknown, the past has us caught.

But I also know and trust that God is leading and directing our lives. I came out of the wilderness, and so will he; I am happier than I have ever been before, being in a place where I can everyday, feel the meaning of what I do... that is priceless, a treasure worth more than anything in the world.

Yesterday, we had a long 6 hours chat with our mentor and a good friend about our dreams and hopes for the future, and ideas we have that could take us forward into the next 5 years towards our passion.

Then today, I came home to God to be reminded about Legacy. I cried buckets as I sang the worship songs, and my mind just praying and asking for God's empowerment, blessing and guidance. There is so much to do , so much left undone, and I just hope that God will continue to use Calvin & I for His glory, revealing His purpose and plans for our lives so that we know we are not letting Him down.

Father Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours and open up my eyes to the things unseen. Direct us Lord, in the work that you have called us to, and let me be equipped and able to serve you to the fullest of my abilities and to my last breath.

What is the legacy you are leaving behind? 

Haze

As I see the haze, what comes forefront to my mind is the trees that are burning. And I am saddened!

Trying to read more about the situation and trying to understand what is the small part I can do to alleviate this.

Hurts like hell

Again another threat.

Sometimes I don't know if that is all I am to you, a means to an end, contacting me only when you see the need to make use of me.

And you feel the need to use threats, like cutting off all ties with me if I don't comply with your wish, in order to compel me to your way.

I don't know what I should do, to say yes or no. But it hurts like hell to know that you think a threat is necessary to solicit agreement. Hurts to know that our relationship is just that -- a tool that you use to get  your way.

It's really painful >.< I wish to God that He could take it all away.

Looking back at 2012

I have been wanting to write this post for a while to recount and record the year that's flown by. 2012 has been one of my toughest years. It was truly the "best of times and the worst of times", being both challenging, difficult, arduous, and also stretching me in growth, character and perseverance. The last day of 2012 was incredible. 

Ending it by sharing the testimony of how Calvin and I came to know God and how God has worked in our lives, in front of almost 2,000 people in the presence of the church and God. It was scary as hell, but thereafter, the outpourings of gratitude and encouragements from friends and strangers were amazing. We were thankful and humbled by people who came forward to pray for us and with us, and to say that our sharing has inspired them. This is all the work of God, and no one else. Thank you God for this opportunity to touch lives and testify to your greatness. 

 And the year in quick/brief summation... 

 1) Expedition Agape - God brought us through some of the lowest lows in Expedition Agape... we knocked on doors, and couldn't find any possibility of connection. No openings, no grace, no favour with the people we met. The Exco I tried to built fizzled. Many hits and bumps later, including my own leadership struggle and doubts, we soared. And it was unbelievable how vast the transition was, how great the chasm that it crossed. 

Now, LFC is open to endorse and accept EA, the team that has just returned from Cambodia grew and bonded by leaps and bounds, we have burgeoning reserves with donations still pouring in, there are people jumping onboard Team 2013 and expressing commitment... the list of blessings we have to be thankful for is endless. I can't explain it, but I am thankful for this journey where I have learnt so much. 

2) Career - God has led me into my calling in 2012. After a difficult and challenging stint in my past workplace, God has led me to my oasis, and granted me grace to excel in an area of my passion and greatest love. I feel like my life has been in preparation for this, where I can finally gather my strengths and pour them to best benefit the lives that I touch. More so than anything else, is the environment... with supportive, like-minded, loving colleagues and superiors. I can't ask for anything more. 

After a dark period of uncertainty, doubts and challenges, I finally journeyed into light. 

3) Family - Again, it feels like a juxtaposition of dark and light. Calvin and I walked into some of our most difficult and thorny issues... with our parents and in-laws, finances, personality differences. Leaning on God's strength and wisdom, we survived through the clashes and the lows, and walked through the pit, emerging stronger. I have seen Calvin grow and mature as a husband, leader and son, and I pray to God that He will strengthen our marriage, our relationship and our friendship with each other, and help us to rise above the storms to unite in vision and purpose. 

With my parents -- it has truly never been tougher. I am at the cusp of hopelessness. I don't know how to overcome this rock... this wall. Even so, I continue to trust in God that he will create possibilities where there seem to be none. I hope and pray that it will all work out for good... with my parents, with my brother. If there's anything to celebrate at all, it's that my brother sent me a happy birthday SMS, for the first time in my life. Maybe this is the beginning of something positive?   

4) Volunteering - In 2012, CV is no longer a part of my life. There's a sense of loss, but there's just been no time to grieve. Instead, I have grown to lead a new programme in Beautiful People, one where 20 adult volunteers and 18 teenage girls are placed in my hands, and I lead them in growth to journey towards their dreams. I have soared as a leader in BP, but ironically, also seen my own biggest leadership doubts crash to the surface in EA. By women, for girls -- is something unique in BP that resonates with me. There's value in the work, and this ministry is deeply precious because it is about girls empowering girls, building a safe place for conversation, sharing and engagement.

And together with Calvin, we have granted wishes in Make-A-Wish, created magical moments for young children and their families... I thank God everyday that we have the opportunity to do so... to make a difference, to bring joy and fulfillment into lives that hurt. But it hasn't been easy too... we have had to navigate tough decisions, balancing different interests... the struggles aside, end of the day, we are grateful that MAW gave us the most memorable thank you dinner experience ever. It blew our minds to indulge in the meal at one of the best restaurants in Singapore, to be pampered in such a manner.

Then, there's SR, PTC... where we had the chance to learn and to serve in a meaningful way.

5) God/Church - The new mentoring group that we are in has been one blessed by God, without which there wouldn't have been open doors for EA. Church camp last year also counts as one of the best experiences EVER in my life... a "spiritual spa" that I love and enjoy every moment of. Serving in Sunbeam, being part of the church community to connect, bond and grow... this pillar of my life recharges, rejuvenates and energises me to give more, to do more, to make my life one in service of God because He has given me so much.

6) Travel - The first half of the year, I was travelling every month, and sometimes twice a month. Jakarta, Shanghai, Jakarta, then Bali, and finally Church Camp. The second half of the year was quieter on the travel calendar, with only 2 trips to Cambodia, one with Hazel, Justin, Choo Jin and Calvin, and the second for EA 2012. All the trips were memorable.

Jakarta -- for being able to serve and contribute to Sahabat Anak, and to lead the team in my previous workplace to venture beyond their comfort zone and make a meaningful difference to the street children, Shanghai -- for staying at one of the best hotels ever ;) Lovely indulgence.
Bali -- a trip with mother-in-law, then our cell group friends, both amazing, fantastic, and memorable for completely different reasons altogether. The former because we made our mummy happy and she loved the trip, the latter because we were enriched by the sharing, connection and friendships forged. Always love the peaceful tranquility of Bali.

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New friends, new learnings, new discoveries... I have walked through dark, tough, difficult moments and situations... but always, God has been with me and seen me through. God is moulding me and using me for his purposes, and I surrender my life into his hands to use as He sees fit.

I don't dare to imagine what 2013 will hold. I just know that it will be another miraculous year, one where God will exceed his Promises to us, His children. First and foremost as a priority though, I just need rest. Sweet peaceful rest.

  

Grateful

Sitting here at the airport, where I'm just about to head back home to my life, I feel such a deep pang of sadness washing over me, leaving behind Calvin, leaving behind the team. I really wish I could stay for the entirety of the Expedition and see through the entire journey together with the team, but I think, and I agree too, that God is teaching me the lesson of letting go. This trip has been such a unique one... 

Today, I count my blessings that...

i) i have a supportive, loving, kind and dependable husband who is there with me every step of the way
ii) I have a beautiful team of wonderful, strong, powerful individuals who are united in common purpose
iii) we have the prayers.and heartfelt well wishes from loved ones
iv) we have forged friendships with the Cambodians and experienced the beauty of the country

I am so thankful to God for creating this, and I would not exchange it for anything else in the world. These are precious memories and moments that deeply touch my heart.

I am learning to have faith, learning that my team is more than capable and I can let go of the "Saviour mentality" that I need to take on the heavy load of leadership alone. Every individual has shown me that he or she can shine, their light bringing such depth to the team, it humbles me.

Thank you God, for this could not have been created without you, this could not have been possible without you. While I may have tears because of my sadness that this all ended too prematurely for me, I am grateful. It has been an experience I will never forget.

Tired

20 days away from the next Expedition, and I am in a flux, experiencing a whole range of emotions and ups and downs that mirror at times, a roller-coaster.

Yesterday and two days ago, I felt excited at all the possibilities ahead. There's finally so much wonderful developments to the community work that I want to do... big projects to take on, possibilities opened, opportunities presented, that give me a tingling of anticipation and surge of energy just thinking about it... just thinking about all the lives that could be touched through the work.

Today, I just feel like running into the embrace of my Father God. Hiding in the sanctuary of love and peace. Everyday is a battle, a battle against losing faith, a battle against bitterness and anger, a battle against people who drain and suck you dry of positivity, a battle against succumbing to temptation and darkness, a battle against resistance...

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms - Ephesians 6:12

 ... and I'm tired. Of always having to be the strong one, the one who is steadfast in faith, the one who has to rescue, the one who has to be the CAN-do because I am the leader, sometimes the only leader.

For everything that I want to do, for everything that I hope to change in the world, the glaring fact remains that I can do nothing for my family. What is wrong with my family, my parents, my parents-in-law? How do I heal the estrangement in my family? How can I be the agent of change? How do I fight it? At this moment, I just want to give up.... run into my hole, hide and sleep it all away.

You know, the biggest reason of all why I am now a Christian? Because I am dry of inner resources. And all I can do is turn to God.

I of little faith

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. - Matthew 8:23 - 26

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said,“why did you doubt?” - Matthew 14:31

I realised how little faith I have. Faith, is the belief in things unseen, things yet seen. Yet conviction and simple trust holds us to the belief that it is. We have faith that when we sleep tonight, we will wake up in the morning. We have faith that when the sun sets, it will once again rise. These things have happened again and again, hence we have the utmost reassurance that it will not fail.

What if it has not yet happened? Why do I find it so difficult to have faith when simply, I can trust that God will provide, and that in everything, his grace and blessing is sufficient for me. This Saturday's event will be filled with his grace, and that is all that is needed. Why do I not believe? Why must I adopt a "This can't be possible, until I see it" attitude? Denial fails me. Only the closest person to me knows that despite what my actions say, my heart rings with unbelief.

I pray for faith, dear Lord. The faith to believe.

Paralyzing fear

I thank you Lord for a husband who believes when my confidence is flailing, for a husband who is also a cheerleader and steadfast pillar for me in times when my belief wanes.

I don't know why, but I was truly paralyzed by fear yesterday, that my ability to lead floundered. I could not find the enthusiasm to express my dream, could not find the courage to move past the rock of fear that blocked my thoughts, and could not look into their eyes, because I felt afraid. EA has always been a vision that I lived and breathed, and I admit that there has been a series of challenges that have come one after another as I choose to run it independently for the first time, outside of CV.

Something inside me knows that it's the right direction and right path, because while CV has been incredible for impactful programmes and big-hearted volunteers, but it just doesn't have the mentoring focus, and the structures in existence to build the lives of the youths through lasting relationships. EA and CV lack the resonance and alignment in purpose and values. What we believe in diverges.

But truth be told, it has been so tough, roadblock after roadblock, that there are just times when I wonder if it's the right choice after all. Yesterday was probably a culmination of all the negatives, when I only remembered the negatives, and failed to remind myself of the positives. I am not sure now how to recover my strength and my confidence, but I am grateful that at this time, I can lean on my husband's strength, clarity and steadfastness, and above all, I can submit it all to the Lord.

Helpless

Today, Joyce Meyer's words "I don't need one more messed up person in my life" really echoes in my mind. Is it true that when we reach middle age, we throw caution to the wind, and live without constraints and boundaries, acting without reflecting on consequences but simply fulfill our pleasure principle? Instead of having parents who are role models, I am finding myself in the situation to take care of my parents as if they are children, and being confounded by a web of lies and deceit.

There's nothing much I can do beyond being here to offer a listening ear, and worrying for them. Submitting my anxieties to the Lord and keeping them in prayers.

Father Lord, would you please be at the centre of their lives, and touch them from the inside-out, that they may know you, accept you, and embrace you as their Lord and Saviour...

New beginnings

I am now in the full-time work of nurturing lives. It is full-time in every sense of the word... and truly, it looks like I have finally found my calling -- working with at-risk youths who are struggling in their lives and battling everyday for survival. I love it, love being in an environment where everyone's genuinely committed to make a difference and contribute, where I can feel comfortable to share who I am. I love being able to play a role in creating possibilities.

Developing lives, nurturing lives, growing the life potential of the youths, and enabling them to find their career pathways is what I do Mondays to Fridays. Weekends -- and even some weekday nights -- I have my voluntary commitments, where I volunteer with children and youths to also invest in their lives... through education and mentoring.

Time is indeed short, and there are often challenges, discouragements, disappointments. But I know in my heart that I am in the right place, at the right time, blessed by God to make a difference. Thank you God. 

Yes I Can

As if it wasn't scary enough, now I have to wait for the results of my medical exam. I can imagine how it feels for countless others who go through the same process... detection of possible abnormalities, sent for further testing, then waiting. The period of waiting is often the most difficult, because of the uncertainties that loom ahead. Gripped by fear, gripped by the unknown, afraid that the worst possibilities may be true.

I am thankful to God though. Thankful for the opportunity to go through the test, and thankful for the lesson to put my absolute trust in Him and Him alone. It is not an easy lesson to learn, but again, God reminds me that He is sovereign... what cause for anxieties do I have? Good or bad, positive or negative, no matter what are the circumstances, He will carry me through it all. He is not just the God of good times, but more importantly, the God who sees us through and redeems the low points in our lives.

It has been a humbling lesson that I am grateful to learn, as I have been drawn by necessity to surrender, nudging myself to let go of the fears, and just be. It will be okay. Whatever happens, it will be okay. And it truly is amazing that our faith is strengthened and deepened through crises. If there was none of that in our lives, if we were just coasting through... things might have been different.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope - Romans 5:3-4

A new chapter

So I finally did it.

I feel a sense of bittersweet relief, on one hand excited about new beginnings, new possibilities, on the other, terrified that this might not be what I thought it would be. I am at once strangely beseiged by doubts and experiencing flutterings of joy and anticipation. It is a weird, in-between place to be in, being racked by opposite emotions at the same time, and being tugged in different directions from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.

To make it worse, I was almost having anxieties yesterday, thinking about the what-if they suddenly retract the offer, and I am stuck without a job.

I am learning to put it all aside though, this morning waking up to spending an hour with God, worshipping and praising him through songs, music and prayer. It refreshes my soul and calms my spirit. I feel better, even if the doubts are still present, they are more subdued. It is a process of surrendering, and truly, I was thinking today that life really only makes sense in reverse.

In this place where I am in now -- that I am about to exit -- I am beginning to see that it is a place of transitions... a place where I have journeyed to know God, where I have journeyed through disappointments and major hits, to placing my trust and confidence in God. It is also a place where I have come into my own and discovered my calling, where I have met fellow Sisters in Christ, and deepened my faith. I was questioning before -- why was I even here? Till it struck me today that I am here, because God has placed me here to learn and grow, to toughen up and prepare me for my next workplace.

Surrender. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever will be, will be. It is a new chapter, and I am going to walk the next month with confidence and grace, with God at my centre. I have been blessed abundantly. Thank you God.

A little girl named Putri

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.- Romans 8:28

Over the last few days, Putri has truly stolen my heart. In granting her wish, I have been blessed far more than I have blessed, received and gained far more than I have given, and I am so deeply grateful for the experience. She is an angel, so alive and full of joy, only 3 years old but mature beyond her years, with a thirst for life that is so fiery strong, always bursting with cheerfulness and happiness. Anyone who meets Putri would be absolutely charmed. It is almost impossible to meet her and not be changed by the encounter, especially knowing all that she has been through. The pain she has had to suffer was and is immense, racking her frail body and relentless in its assault. Looking at her though, you would never guess the disease that eats away at her inside.

She is a fighter, an adventurer, an explorer, determined to live and embrace life to the fullest, and gung-ho in spirit and soul. She charges unafraid, as if reluctant to lose any precious moments of her life in regret, but she also has many simple moments of joy when she is still and content -- just singing, just dancing, just drawing, just spending time with her loved ones. I love Putri, and I'm so touched by her. The sparkle in her eyes, the coyness in her smile are lovely to behold.

Along the journey, I have asked myself: "Why, God?" "Why inflict such pain on a young soul?" "Why do you want to take her away so soon?" The thought of losing her sends me into tears. I remember feeling such a deep, aching sense of loss when Mediacorp asked Putri's brother, "What will you miss most about Putri?" And my heart screamed Noooooo! Such a wonderful, remarkable young life shouldn't be taken away so soon. It will be such a loss! A big void.

As the questions churned in my mind, I realise that I may not have all the answers - his ways are not my ways, but increasingly Romans 8:28 rings true. God redeems every situation in our life and uses it for good. In granting the wish, I have seen so many angels of kindness coming together to bless Putri and create a magical and unforgettable experience for Putri and her family. The little girl sparks compassion and joy in the people she meets.Volunteers, sponsors, everyone uniting to fulfill Putri's wish and bringing her happiness and strength. It has been a beautiful sight to see, reminding me exactly Master Cheng Yen's words... Every charitable project is really, an opportunity to invite people to care, to share, to bless others. It is so much more meaningful when we are able to create opportunities for people to give.... people who never ever thought about giving in their lives. It shapes a better world.

A spark of love is really all it takes to spark a movement of love. That's the philosophy of paying it forward, as we ignite compassion in others, and inspire more to step forward to make a difference. This amazing people-power is a gift I have experienced. Putri is really an incredible girl, and her wish one that is one immense project of love from so many coming together to bring her joy.

I am wowed and humbled. There are days when I look at the world, and waves of hopelessness well up within because I am only one -- what difference can I make? How much can I do in my limited life, with my limited power? Putri reminds me to see hope -- it doesn't take a big, noble cause to rally hearts together, people are good and every single child, if only we share their story, can melt walls and barriers and inspire compassion and giving. It is the power of multiplication, and the magnitude that can be created with a small group of committed ones is beyond imagination.

I love you Putri.

Random musings

It has been so incredibly eventful that I just haven't had time to pause and write. Just going to pen down random musings on various topics:

On Expedition Agape & Beautiful People:
I'm lost trying to discern God's calling for me in leading Expedition Agape. Maybe He is telling me that this isn't the season for EA yet, and that I need to grow in leading Beautiful People first before I can come back renewed and reinvigorated to bring EA forward yet another lap. I don't know.

Trying to pursue EA has led to some major disappointments with doors being closed. Yet I press on, because this is my heart's desire, and I want to serve the youths -- both boys and girls, in a mentoring journey that opens and widens their horizons both locally and overseas.

Beautiful People is amazing, but I haven't experienced the incredible highs (of course it's also minus the incredible lows) that I have experienced in leading EA. I'm somehow drawn to the mega-challenges, or maybe it's just my irreconcilable stubbornness.

In any case, my focus for now is leading a team of 21 women in Beautiful People to be Big Sisters to the young lives who do not have parental figures in their lives, who crave and desperately seek role models to walk with them in their journey. May God be with me and guide me through this few months of leadership, that I may be able to be the leader that they need me to be.

On Mentoring and Being Mentored: 
 I really love my church. Last Saturday was the start of the one-year mentoring journey in Covenant Young Adults' Network. We were introduced to our mentors (more mentors!) and mentoring group, people who will walk with us and guide us in our spiritual walk. Talking about this with my husband, we reflected on how we are being mentored so that we can be mentors to others... God has blessed us so that we can be a blessing to others.

Coming into this church truly, has given us so many incredible, big-hearted mentors in our lives whom we love and care about... mentors who pamper us with their advice, wisdom, guidance and giving. It has filled my heart, so that I have more in my "heart tank" to give to others, to serve more. More importantly, I now have such a strong conviction for mentoring... it is critical, crucial, indispensable, and what a lot of the young, at-risk youths that we volunteer with lack.

They need people to walk with them through their challenges. If, even I, as a 29 year old, need mentors in my life to point me in the right path when I'm confounded, down and lost... what more a 15 year old still searching for identity and life direction? They need people who are not just with them for a few days, but ready to commit to them, so they know with full security and assurance that they have people to turn to when they need support.... They need better parents, and failing that, adults in their lives who can be their Big Sisters and Big Brothers.

This is my life's calling. I wish I knew with greater clarity, how to manifest and develop that.

Wish Granting: 
Thank you God for bringing little P into my life, that I may see such incredible joy in such a young life. As we grant her wish this week, I really pray that everything goes well and that we can create 3 amazing, beyond-words magical, memorable days for her and her family.

One desire

One thing have I asked of the Lord,
   that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
   all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
   and to inquire in his temple - Psalm 27:4

Truly, that is my one desire. Missed church for the first time yesterday (while not away on holiday), because of the utter exhaustion from the room makeover wish, and I just feel so out of sorts. It's only Monday, and already, I can't wait for this weekend to be home with God and rejuvenated in God's sanctuary.

It was amazing beyond words meeting baby P today. Such a brave little girl, filled with so much joy, bursting with childlikeness and life. It pains my heart to know the sickness that she battles, and that in a few short months, such a beautiful, beautiful young life may be taken away. I have only met her for barely an hour, but I remember her smile, her words, her innocent exclamations. She is so cheerful and bubbly, her laughter tinkling like silver bells.

Her family too, is incredible.... undefeated, close and tightknit, with simple contentment. I really look forward to creating a magical experience for them, a story that can be shared with the rest of the world to inspire and light a candle in a place of darkness.

Burdened

Is this how it is, that as we live year by year, burdens upon us increase too? Regrets, what-ifs, paths not taken.

I really want to let go of the burdens I carry, wish and wish and wish that God will direct my steps and show me which road I should walk. Standing here at a crossroads, I am really at a loss and dilemma, unsure, uncertain, weighing and re-weighing pros and cons, incessantly thinking.

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