I of little faith

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. - Matthew 8:23 - 26

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said,“why did you doubt?” - Matthew 14:31

I realised how little faith I have. Faith, is the belief in things unseen, things yet seen. Yet conviction and simple trust holds us to the belief that it is. We have faith that when we sleep tonight, we will wake up in the morning. We have faith that when the sun sets, it will once again rise. These things have happened again and again, hence we have the utmost reassurance that it will not fail.

What if it has not yet happened? Why do I find it so difficult to have faith when simply, I can trust that God will provide, and that in everything, his grace and blessing is sufficient for me. This Saturday's event will be filled with his grace, and that is all that is needed. Why do I not believe? Why must I adopt a "This can't be possible, until I see it" attitude? Denial fails me. Only the closest person to me knows that despite what my actions say, my heart rings with unbelief.

I pray for faith, dear Lord. The faith to believe.

Paralyzing fear

I thank you Lord for a husband who believes when my confidence is flailing, for a husband who is also a cheerleader and steadfast pillar for me in times when my belief wanes.

I don't know why, but I was truly paralyzed by fear yesterday, that my ability to lead floundered. I could not find the enthusiasm to express my dream, could not find the courage to move past the rock of fear that blocked my thoughts, and could not look into their eyes, because I felt afraid. EA has always been a vision that I lived and breathed, and I admit that there has been a series of challenges that have come one after another as I choose to run it independently for the first time, outside of CV.

Something inside me knows that it's the right direction and right path, because while CV has been incredible for impactful programmes and big-hearted volunteers, but it just doesn't have the mentoring focus, and the structures in existence to build the lives of the youths through lasting relationships. EA and CV lack the resonance and alignment in purpose and values. What we believe in diverges.

But truth be told, it has been so tough, roadblock after roadblock, that there are just times when I wonder if it's the right choice after all. Yesterday was probably a culmination of all the negatives, when I only remembered the negatives, and failed to remind myself of the positives. I am not sure now how to recover my strength and my confidence, but I am grateful that at this time, I can lean on my husband's strength, clarity and steadfastness, and above all, I can submit it all to the Lord.

Helpless

Today, Joyce Meyer's words "I don't need one more messed up person in my life" really echoes in my mind. Is it true that when we reach middle age, we throw caution to the wind, and live without constraints and boundaries, acting without reflecting on consequences but simply fulfill our pleasure principle? Instead of having parents who are role models, I am finding myself in the situation to take care of my parents as if they are children, and being confounded by a web of lies and deceit.

There's nothing much I can do beyond being here to offer a listening ear, and worrying for them. Submitting my anxieties to the Lord and keeping them in prayers.

Father Lord, would you please be at the centre of their lives, and touch them from the inside-out, that they may know you, accept you, and embrace you as their Lord and Saviour...