Grateful

Sitting here at the airport, where I'm just about to head back home to my life, I feel such a deep pang of sadness washing over me, leaving behind Calvin, leaving behind the team. I really wish I could stay for the entirety of the Expedition and see through the entire journey together with the team, but I think, and I agree too, that God is teaching me the lesson of letting go. This trip has been such a unique one... 

Today, I count my blessings that...

i) i have a supportive, loving, kind and dependable husband who is there with me every step of the way
ii) I have a beautiful team of wonderful, strong, powerful individuals who are united in common purpose
iii) we have the prayers.and heartfelt well wishes from loved ones
iv) we have forged friendships with the Cambodians and experienced the beauty of the country

I am so thankful to God for creating this, and I would not exchange it for anything else in the world. These are precious memories and moments that deeply touch my heart.

I am learning to have faith, learning that my team is more than capable and I can let go of the "Saviour mentality" that I need to take on the heavy load of leadership alone. Every individual has shown me that he or she can shine, their light bringing such depth to the team, it humbles me.

Thank you God, for this could not have been created without you, this could not have been possible without you. While I may have tears because of my sadness that this all ended too prematurely for me, I am grateful. It has been an experience I will never forget.

Tired

20 days away from the next Expedition, and I am in a flux, experiencing a whole range of emotions and ups and downs that mirror at times, a roller-coaster.

Yesterday and two days ago, I felt excited at all the possibilities ahead. There's finally so much wonderful developments to the community work that I want to do... big projects to take on, possibilities opened, opportunities presented, that give me a tingling of anticipation and surge of energy just thinking about it... just thinking about all the lives that could be touched through the work.

Today, I just feel like running into the embrace of my Father God. Hiding in the sanctuary of love and peace. Everyday is a battle, a battle against losing faith, a battle against bitterness and anger, a battle against people who drain and suck you dry of positivity, a battle against succumbing to temptation and darkness, a battle against resistance...

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms - Ephesians 6:12

 ... and I'm tired. Of always having to be the strong one, the one who is steadfast in faith, the one who has to rescue, the one who has to be the CAN-do because I am the leader, sometimes the only leader.

For everything that I want to do, for everything that I hope to change in the world, the glaring fact remains that I can do nothing for my family. What is wrong with my family, my parents, my parents-in-law? How do I heal the estrangement in my family? How can I be the agent of change? How do I fight it? At this moment, I just want to give up.... run into my hole, hide and sleep it all away.

You know, the biggest reason of all why I am now a Christian? Because I am dry of inner resources. And all I can do is turn to God.

I of little faith

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. - Matthew 8:23 - 26

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said,“why did you doubt?” - Matthew 14:31

I realised how little faith I have. Faith, is the belief in things unseen, things yet seen. Yet conviction and simple trust holds us to the belief that it is. We have faith that when we sleep tonight, we will wake up in the morning. We have faith that when the sun sets, it will once again rise. These things have happened again and again, hence we have the utmost reassurance that it will not fail.

What if it has not yet happened? Why do I find it so difficult to have faith when simply, I can trust that God will provide, and that in everything, his grace and blessing is sufficient for me. This Saturday's event will be filled with his grace, and that is all that is needed. Why do I not believe? Why must I adopt a "This can't be possible, until I see it" attitude? Denial fails me. Only the closest person to me knows that despite what my actions say, my heart rings with unbelief.

I pray for faith, dear Lord. The faith to believe.

Paralyzing fear

I thank you Lord for a husband who believes when my confidence is flailing, for a husband who is also a cheerleader and steadfast pillar for me in times when my belief wanes.

I don't know why, but I was truly paralyzed by fear yesterday, that my ability to lead floundered. I could not find the enthusiasm to express my dream, could not find the courage to move past the rock of fear that blocked my thoughts, and could not look into their eyes, because I felt afraid. EA has always been a vision that I lived and breathed, and I admit that there has been a series of challenges that have come one after another as I choose to run it independently for the first time, outside of CV.

Something inside me knows that it's the right direction and right path, because while CV has been incredible for impactful programmes and big-hearted volunteers, but it just doesn't have the mentoring focus, and the structures in existence to build the lives of the youths through lasting relationships. EA and CV lack the resonance and alignment in purpose and values. What we believe in diverges.

But truth be told, it has been so tough, roadblock after roadblock, that there are just times when I wonder if it's the right choice after all. Yesterday was probably a culmination of all the negatives, when I only remembered the negatives, and failed to remind myself of the positives. I am not sure now how to recover my strength and my confidence, but I am grateful that at this time, I can lean on my husband's strength, clarity and steadfastness, and above all, I can submit it all to the Lord.

Helpless

Today, Joyce Meyer's words "I don't need one more messed up person in my life" really echoes in my mind. Is it true that when we reach middle age, we throw caution to the wind, and live without constraints and boundaries, acting without reflecting on consequences but simply fulfill our pleasure principle? Instead of having parents who are role models, I am finding myself in the situation to take care of my parents as if they are children, and being confounded by a web of lies and deceit.

There's nothing much I can do beyond being here to offer a listening ear, and worrying for them. Submitting my anxieties to the Lord and keeping them in prayers.

Father Lord, would you please be at the centre of their lives, and touch them from the inside-out, that they may know you, accept you, and embrace you as their Lord and Saviour...

New beginnings

I am now in the full-time work of nurturing lives. It is full-time in every sense of the word... and truly, it looks like I have finally found my calling -- working with at-risk youths who are struggling in their lives and battling everyday for survival. I love it, love being in an environment where everyone's genuinely committed to make a difference and contribute, where I can feel comfortable to share who I am. I love being able to play a role in creating possibilities.

Developing lives, nurturing lives, growing the life potential of the youths, and enabling them to find their career pathways is what I do Mondays to Fridays. Weekends -- and even some weekday nights -- I have my voluntary commitments, where I volunteer with children and youths to also invest in their lives... through education and mentoring.

Time is indeed short, and there are often challenges, discouragements, disappointments. But I know in my heart that I am in the right place, at the right time, blessed by God to make a difference. Thank you God. 

Yes I Can

As if it wasn't scary enough, now I have to wait for the results of my medical exam. I can imagine how it feels for countless others who go through the same process... detection of possible abnormalities, sent for further testing, then waiting. The period of waiting is often the most difficult, because of the uncertainties that loom ahead. Gripped by fear, gripped by the unknown, afraid that the worst possibilities may be true.

I am thankful to God though. Thankful for the opportunity to go through the test, and thankful for the lesson to put my absolute trust in Him and Him alone. It is not an easy lesson to learn, but again, God reminds me that He is sovereign... what cause for anxieties do I have? Good or bad, positive or negative, no matter what are the circumstances, He will carry me through it all. He is not just the God of good times, but more importantly, the God who sees us through and redeems the low points in our lives.

It has been a humbling lesson that I am grateful to learn, as I have been drawn by necessity to surrender, nudging myself to let go of the fears, and just be. It will be okay. Whatever happens, it will be okay. And it truly is amazing that our faith is strengthened and deepened through crises. If there was none of that in our lives, if we were just coasting through... things might have been different.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope - Romans 5:3-4

A new chapter

So I finally did it.

I feel a sense of bittersweet relief, on one hand excited about new beginnings, new possibilities, on the other, terrified that this might not be what I thought it would be. I am at once strangely beseiged by doubts and experiencing flutterings of joy and anticipation. It is a weird, in-between place to be in, being racked by opposite emotions at the same time, and being tugged in different directions from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.

To make it worse, I was almost having anxieties yesterday, thinking about the what-if they suddenly retract the offer, and I am stuck without a job.

I am learning to put it all aside though, this morning waking up to spending an hour with God, worshipping and praising him through songs, music and prayer. It refreshes my soul and calms my spirit. I feel better, even if the doubts are still present, they are more subdued. It is a process of surrendering, and truly, I was thinking today that life really only makes sense in reverse.

In this place where I am in now -- that I am about to exit -- I am beginning to see that it is a place of transitions... a place where I have journeyed to know God, where I have journeyed through disappointments and major hits, to placing my trust and confidence in God. It is also a place where I have come into my own and discovered my calling, where I have met fellow Sisters in Christ, and deepened my faith. I was questioning before -- why was I even here? Till it struck me today that I am here, because God has placed me here to learn and grow, to toughen up and prepare me for my next workplace.

Surrender. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever will be, will be. It is a new chapter, and I am going to walk the next month with confidence and grace, with God at my centre. I have been blessed abundantly. Thank you God.

A little girl named Putri

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.- Romans 8:28

Over the last few days, Putri has truly stolen my heart. In granting her wish, I have been blessed far more than I have blessed, received and gained far more than I have given, and I am so deeply grateful for the experience. She is an angel, so alive and full of joy, only 3 years old but mature beyond her years, with a thirst for life that is so fiery strong, always bursting with cheerfulness and happiness. Anyone who meets Putri would be absolutely charmed. It is almost impossible to meet her and not be changed by the encounter, especially knowing all that she has been through. The pain she has had to suffer was and is immense, racking her frail body and relentless in its assault. Looking at her though, you would never guess the disease that eats away at her inside.

She is a fighter, an adventurer, an explorer, determined to live and embrace life to the fullest, and gung-ho in spirit and soul. She charges unafraid, as if reluctant to lose any precious moments of her life in regret, but she also has many simple moments of joy when she is still and content -- just singing, just dancing, just drawing, just spending time with her loved ones. I love Putri, and I'm so touched by her. The sparkle in her eyes, the coyness in her smile are lovely to behold.

Along the journey, I have asked myself: "Why, God?" "Why inflict such pain on a young soul?" "Why do you want to take her away so soon?" The thought of losing her sends me into tears. I remember feeling such a deep, aching sense of loss when Mediacorp asked Putri's brother, "What will you miss most about Putri?" And my heart screamed Noooooo! Such a wonderful, remarkable young life shouldn't be taken away so soon. It will be such a loss! A big void.

As the questions churned in my mind, I realise that I may not have all the answers - his ways are not my ways, but increasingly Romans 8:28 rings true. God redeems every situation in our life and uses it for good. In granting the wish, I have seen so many angels of kindness coming together to bless Putri and create a magical and unforgettable experience for Putri and her family. The little girl sparks compassion and joy in the people she meets.Volunteers, sponsors, everyone uniting to fulfill Putri's wish and bringing her happiness and strength. It has been a beautiful sight to see, reminding me exactly Master Cheng Yen's words... Every charitable project is really, an opportunity to invite people to care, to share, to bless others. It is so much more meaningful when we are able to create opportunities for people to give.... people who never ever thought about giving in their lives. It shapes a better world.

A spark of love is really all it takes to spark a movement of love. That's the philosophy of paying it forward, as we ignite compassion in others, and inspire more to step forward to make a difference. This amazing people-power is a gift I have experienced. Putri is really an incredible girl, and her wish one that is one immense project of love from so many coming together to bring her joy.

I am wowed and humbled. There are days when I look at the world, and waves of hopelessness well up within because I am only one -- what difference can I make? How much can I do in my limited life, with my limited power? Putri reminds me to see hope -- it doesn't take a big, noble cause to rally hearts together, people are good and every single child, if only we share their story, can melt walls and barriers and inspire compassion and giving. It is the power of multiplication, and the magnitude that can be created with a small group of committed ones is beyond imagination.

I love you Putri.

Random musings

It has been so incredibly eventful that I just haven't had time to pause and write. Just going to pen down random musings on various topics:

On Expedition Agape & Beautiful People:
I'm lost trying to discern God's calling for me in leading Expedition Agape. Maybe He is telling me that this isn't the season for EA yet, and that I need to grow in leading Beautiful People first before I can come back renewed and reinvigorated to bring EA forward yet another lap. I don't know.

Trying to pursue EA has led to some major disappointments with doors being closed. Yet I press on, because this is my heart's desire, and I want to serve the youths -- both boys and girls, in a mentoring journey that opens and widens their horizons both locally and overseas.

Beautiful People is amazing, but I haven't experienced the incredible highs (of course it's also minus the incredible lows) that I have experienced in leading EA. I'm somehow drawn to the mega-challenges, or maybe it's just my irreconcilable stubbornness.

In any case, my focus for now is leading a team of 21 women in Beautiful People to be Big Sisters to the young lives who do not have parental figures in their lives, who crave and desperately seek role models to walk with them in their journey. May God be with me and guide me through this few months of leadership, that I may be able to be the leader that they need me to be.

On Mentoring and Being Mentored: 
 I really love my church. Last Saturday was the start of the one-year mentoring journey in Covenant Young Adults' Network. We were introduced to our mentors (more mentors!) and mentoring group, people who will walk with us and guide us in our spiritual walk. Talking about this with my husband, we reflected on how we are being mentored so that we can be mentors to others... God has blessed us so that we can be a blessing to others.

Coming into this church truly, has given us so many incredible, big-hearted mentors in our lives whom we love and care about... mentors who pamper us with their advice, wisdom, guidance and giving. It has filled my heart, so that I have more in my "heart tank" to give to others, to serve more. More importantly, I now have such a strong conviction for mentoring... it is critical, crucial, indispensable, and what a lot of the young, at-risk youths that we volunteer with lack.

They need people to walk with them through their challenges. If, even I, as a 29 year old, need mentors in my life to point me in the right path when I'm confounded, down and lost... what more a 15 year old still searching for identity and life direction? They need people who are not just with them for a few days, but ready to commit to them, so they know with full security and assurance that they have people to turn to when they need support.... They need better parents, and failing that, adults in their lives who can be their Big Sisters and Big Brothers.

This is my life's calling. I wish I knew with greater clarity, how to manifest and develop that.

Wish Granting: 
Thank you God for bringing little P into my life, that I may see such incredible joy in such a young life. As we grant her wish this week, I really pray that everything goes well and that we can create 3 amazing, beyond-words magical, memorable days for her and her family.

One desire

One thing have I asked of the Lord,
   that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
   all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
   and to inquire in his temple - Psalm 27:4

Truly, that is my one desire. Missed church for the first time yesterday (while not away on holiday), because of the utter exhaustion from the room makeover wish, and I just feel so out of sorts. It's only Monday, and already, I can't wait for this weekend to be home with God and rejuvenated in God's sanctuary.

It was amazing beyond words meeting baby P today. Such a brave little girl, filled with so much joy, bursting with childlikeness and life. It pains my heart to know the sickness that she battles, and that in a few short months, such a beautiful, beautiful young life may be taken away. I have only met her for barely an hour, but I remember her smile, her words, her innocent exclamations. She is so cheerful and bubbly, her laughter tinkling like silver bells.

Her family too, is incredible.... undefeated, close and tightknit, with simple contentment. I really look forward to creating a magical experience for them, a story that can be shared with the rest of the world to inspire and light a candle in a place of darkness.

Burdened

Is this how it is, that as we live year by year, burdens upon us increase too? Regrets, what-ifs, paths not taken.

I really want to let go of the burdens I carry, wish and wish and wish that God will direct my steps and show me which road I should walk. Standing here at a crossroads, I am really at a loss and dilemma, unsure, uncertain, weighing and re-weighing pros and cons, incessantly thinking.

>.<

Running away

Today, I just feel like running away.

I wish I had a strong point of view, a strong opinion that is unshakeable and unwavering, but if truth be told, I often don't, cursed - or blessed - with the gift to view many sides of the same issue. Perspectives. So many human perspectives, vying and tussling for prominence and victory. That seems to be the rule of thumb in the world.

Increasingly, I begin to see that only God's perspective matters. Not mine, not yours, not his, not hers. But how do we enlarge God's perspective in the world, when humans are so narrow-sighted?

I really, really just want to run away... run away to the safe retreat of Church Camp, or God, where I do not have to struggle so.

Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

At A Crossroads

There are times when I really wish I am able to clearly discern God's will in my life. This has been my consistent prayer to God right from last week when different paths suddenly opened up before me. I am really not sure which to take, at times one seems more attractive than the other, and at other times, the reverse occurs.
 
I only know that this is not coincidence... the sheer timing of how events happen one after another are so incredible they are almost miraculous! There's clearly divinity at work here. I just need to be able to see and hear clearly.

Thirsting for God

I am at a point in my life where the more I know God, the more I come to realise how much I... we...need God.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9, NIV)

We are imperfect creatures. Folly, waywardness, selfishness, hatred, nonchalance... choosing not to care, all of these emotions and ways clash and rage within me... us... everyday. Oftentimes I do not have a solution for the situations I face. And I am not close enough to God that I am able to behave in a godly manner, all the time. I fail. I struggle. I get confused. Lost. 

But I recognise that things are not right. God reveals my eyes to the pain in my home, the pain in my family, pain in the individuals around me. There is so much healing to do, so much brokenness to mend. Where do I start? How do I start? 

Yesterday, with L&D's advice, and prayerfully going to God with my desperation... I chose to take a small step, drawing a line and finally approaching my brother with the truth and depth of what I feel. There was crying, there was shouting, but you know... I was glad that the ice was finally broken. The illusion of pretending that everything is OK was finally shattered. How two people living together under the same roof for the past 24 years can grow so far apart to become utter strangers is beyond me. But that's what happened. That what I allowed to happen... even as I reach beyond the walls of my home serving others, making a difference to others... my heart can never ignore the pull of the aching chasm at home. 

And that is only a small step. A small step in a long journey that I have to take together with my husband, to undo the damage of past hurts, nonchalance, ignorance, and turning to God daily in prayer for God to let us be instruments of his will to restore and heal, a small step at a time. 

Above all, I want a God-centred home, infused with love, peace and joy. I want our family to know God and experience Him... His goodness through me, through us, because change and transformation will not happen any other way.

Blessed

Image: prozac1 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I really feel blessed. When I look back and reflect on the past few days, my heart swells with gratitude at the experience to be acquainted with God anew. I feel immense joy and peace just being in church, in God's sanctuary, quietly learning, patiently serving, genuinely conversing. Being able to be beside Calvin through it all makes it perfect.

Thursday to Saturday was my very first church conference: "Knowing God's Will". Truth be told, this is an area I absolutely struggle with. There are times I find myself wondering and guessing at God's Will, unsure of where and how to proceed. One of my biggest learnings, was being reminded of the redemptive power of pain and suffering. Pain is a gift from God... it tells you something has gone wrong.

We are living in a world that's aching with pain, a world that is absolutely groaning, suffering and churning with evil. So many people seem oblivious to the warning signs and alarm bells that the world is throwing at us, in our faces, as though nothing is wrong. But everything is.

When talking to K and our conversation drifted to recent news, of men who were being charged in court for a crime they had committed, I instinctively said "They can't help it." I realised then how much I have changed in my journey of faith as a Christian. I used to feel incredulous at the thought that we were sinners, never realising that the biggest sin of all -- pride was blocking my understanding and comprehension, and veiling my eyes from the truth of my...our... everyone's glaring imperfections. We may not murder or plunder, but all of us are incapable of living sinlessly without God in our lives.

I loved how Pst Ed shared with us that The Ten Commandments should really be seen as the Ten Promises of God... that it is only when we come to know God, that we are free from being slaves to sin, and now have the choice to choose differently. We no longer need to kill, we no longer need to lust, we no longer need to steal, because we have God in our lives. Without Him, in all aspects of stumbling folly, I see how true it is that we can't help it.


God's will is totally sovereign
gloriously redemptive
sometimes puzzling
but always perfect

On Sunday Calvin and I were really blessed by Pst Tony who took time out to encourage us in our ministry, and who took the opportunity to get to know us when we asked him to sign our copy of his book. It shocked me when he said "Thank you, you have really blessed my heart today." and his face shone with so much joy at our conversation. I was surprised at his humility, surprised that he remembered us. "Do me a favour, email me your story this week," He said.

Wow. I am grateful everyday for the freedom I have found in Christ, for the soul-renewing peace that he has restored to my life. It need not be shaken by trying circumstances, because pain is a fact of this fallen world. And as Pst Tony said: I may not know the reason or the cause, but I always know the cure for pain. 

Agape

When I see youths caught in difficult family situations, I wish there was more I could do to stem the tide of hurt and anger. They remind me of myself, not so long ago, stripped bare of resilience and untempered by grace... charging straight into situations and unable to handle the explosive reactions that result.

This is when a part of me feels that possibly, Expedition Agape is what I am meant to do, God's calling for me to heal in some small way, the broken parts of their soul. I wish and pray that I will be able to listen to God more acutely, and trust and hear his plan for me... for Expedition Agape.

Learning Patience

Especially when it comes to my dreams, I realise that I can get a tad obsessed, and become extremely impatient too, at that.

I need to learn patience... BREATHE... slow down... and trust in God's timing.

Hallelujah!

God, thank you for showing me that when I thought it was impossible, that by your strength and power, all things are possible!

Make A Difference

My heart aches for the many I know who live without God in their lives.... who are hurt, alone, confused, broken. All of us carry that fragile vulnerability in us, some more than others... and the walls that we built around ourselves, the tough exterior we think we need to have... breaks my heart.

There are moments when I just want to cry from the overwhelming magnitude of the brokenness that exists in the world. I have a burning, relentless desire to do more, do right... all the while knowing that I am insignificant, that what I can do, is just to light a small candle in my small part of the world.

I trust and surrender my path to God, and Lord, won't you guide me... let me know that what I am doing with Agape is making a difference.

Won't you lord
take a look at our hands
everything we have
use it for your plan

Won't you lord
take a look at our heart
mold it, refine it
as you set us apart

We want to run to the altar
and catch the fire
to stand in the gap
between the living and the death
give us a heart of compassion
for a world without vision
we will make a difference
bringing hope to our land

We will answer the call
to build this church without walls
let your glory be shown
bring salvation to the lost

A Kite Bereft...

I look at my friends who have their families, yet push them away in a bid for independence, freedom and less hassle... and there are times when I really wish I can shake them and open their eyes to what they are missing. More, to open their eyes to value what they have, to dig beneath the surface to uncover the intentions of care and concern.... -- A restriction that is perceived to be overstepping boundaries, a gentle reminder that is seen to be repeated senselessness and annoyance, a comment that appears it is completely disjunct and irrelevant from the time and age we are in.

When you don't have that at all, you see it as pure preciousness.

I make feeble attempts to connect with my mother, fear holding me back for the hurt and drama that is potentially lurking ahead. I see a yawning chasm and struggle with how I can bridge the distance to my father. Both of them pull away, detach... so far away and for completely different reasons, but the situation is the same.

Maybe that is why I love Calvin's grandmother... and find her nagging totally endearing. I miss it, lack it, crave it. I feel like a kite with the strings cut off, floating directionless in the wind, without a family to anchor upon from which I can build the foundations of my own family. There are days when I can shut off these feelings, and days when the feeling worsens. Actions do not always equate to results, especially in the realm of relationships which are so volatile.

Relentless optimism, trying various ways and means to find breakthroughs... but there are times when I get tired, when I keep meeting with a wall. And so I turn to God... pray and desperately pray that God will direct my path.

Where do I fit in? What else can I do?

I don't know. Let that be the answer for now... 

Disoriented

It was surreal going back to work today.

There was first the trip to Shanghai, a freezing four days spent huddling in winter jackets, going through the stress of business meetings, and formalities. Sometimes, I believe I overthink, and have the tendency to get lost in my thoughts, where they then become muddled and my words jumbled, lost in the miasma of a myriad disparate thoughts firing off in different directions. I get unsettled without something or someone familiar to cling onto, and it reminds me of the masks that we need to wear to fit in. I didn't like Shanghai all that much -- told cold, too grey, too rainy, too full of unpleasant memories of my earlier visit.

Immediately after that, was the trip to Jakarta. Five days, attempting to lead ten different people, most of whom I didn't know that well. I was amazed at how much I enjoyed Jakarta. It was unexpectedly good, the bonding, getting to know my colleagues on a deeper level, uncovering fun, wacky, crazy sides of each and everyone, and sharing our lives. We completed what we set out to do, and more, and I don't think there was any one of us that left untouched by the magical smiles of the children. It was disconcerting for me to witness the stark poverty in Prumpung though, and the conditions they lived in tug at my heartstrings. I was shocked. I remember clogged drains, rubbish piled up on both sides of the muddy streets, houses - that were all falling apart, packed closely together, the foul odour, flies buzzing around incessantly and haphazard chaos.

Every single day was immensely draining. I enjoy being with people, building relationships, fostering understanding and connections, yet, at the same time, it takes a lot out of me, an inadvertent affirmation for myself that I really am introverted. Being back on home ground then, comes as a relief, though I do miss my team mates, the people whom I have served, learnt, grown and laughed with.

I prayed a lot throughout both trips, leaning on God as my rock and anchor, and reminding myself the true master whom I serve above all. Thank goodness for God, because without Him, I would have found it even more difficult to navigate my way through the disorientation. There's a wedding to attend this weekend, and yet another overseas trip, but I honestly can't wait to get back to church next weekend.

Prayer

It was a powerful Prayer and Praise session yesterday, as I came to rest my burdens and anxieties at the feet of my Lord and learnt to find my way back to what I had lost... prayer. Absolutely loved what Pst Kai had shared with us... "Prayer is the ultimate sign of our dependence on God." When we have everything that we need, when we know that we are resourceful and have solutions at hand, need we turn to prayer? So true, and such a glaring reminder of my pride, my selfishness... that really, I only turn to God when things go south... when I am in need.

I realise, it is really coming to recognise our daily desperation for God. Without Him in our lives, without Him in everything that we do, every relationship that we build, it is all for naught. Prayer hence needs to be embraced because... as what Philip Yancey said... prayer changes us more so than it changes our Father. We may emerge from a prayer session with a very different perspective, renewed in vigour and faith, and seeing that we are the ones who need to change for an issue to move forward.

I am learning. I am not perfect - and never will I be, but I am learning to pray in all the empty spaces of time in my life... when I am walking from a place to another place, when I am on the train, when I am waiting in the queue. I am starting to think too that beyond giving God the "spare time" that I have, he needs to be the first that I seek, and first doesn't just mean to pray first then forget about God the rest of the day, but first means that He is the priority, the most important task on the list of "To Dos"...

A thought...

I love the bible verse that A shared yesterday --

Colossians 3:23-24 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

It has been a lesson that I needed to learn, and to remind myself. Amidst all the busyness, the stress, the intensity of work lately, it is a good and refreshing reminder to know that all of what I do, is not for man, for but God. It is like spring water to a parched throat, and I sorely needed it.

Now if only I knew what is causing the restlessness and distraction that I feel in my heart. I just can't seem to get my heart to quieten down and be still... to be at peace.

*sighs*

It hurts not to be understood. I have the best intentions, but it is misconstrued by unreasonableness. I really don't know what to make of it... Thank God for a husband who understands, who stands by me and supports me. I just wish I have more emotional resilience and nimbleness to deal with situations like that, where by the gift of the gab, I can turn it into a favourable situation. But I am always at a loss for words, and my immediate reaction is to fumble for the right things to say. It takes time for me to process, think through and finally emerge with clarity. And then, the damage is done, and sometimes, it's already too late to say anything at all.

*sighs* Oh well, buckle up and soldier on... remember why I am doing this, and it is not for the praise of man.

God at work

The Eagles workshop yesterday was an enriching session and sparked in me thoughts about bringing God into my workplace.

How true... that most of us separate God (religion/spirituality) and work, seeing it as two separate spheres altogether, when in fact, we shouldn't just be Christians on Sunday, but Christians everyday... even Monday to Friday, where we are at work, and spending most of our waking hours at the workplace. Rather than contemplating thoughts about this being the "wrong job" for us, there exists an alternative to discern God's purpose for us at our workplace. We have to trust that we are placed at the right place and right time, and that there are no mistakes... it is simply, about seeking the opportunities and perspective to bring about rightness, to reveal God's presence where we are.  

It reminds me of the miracle at my workplace, when M connected me with fellow Christians here, and remarkably, two of them were from the same church I am, and one of them I had even met only a few days earlier in church, just had failed to be aware that she was also my co-worker! The lunch fellowship when we met together to share our faith, our stories, our experiences was an amazing session that moved me deeply. To be able to pray together, holding in ourselves the vision for our colleagues to see Christ through us, and that we might be able to bring more believers to Christ, was a powerful one, reminding me who my real boss was. I work not for earthly beings, but for God, and the daily mundane tasks that we face are not the be-all and end-all of life, instead, our gaze should be directed to the eternal, to the unseen... to the relationships and influence that we can nurture at our workplace. That is our purpose at work, and there is a desperate need for there to be more believers in the marketplace, for us to stand up and be different, to inspire and sow seeds of change for our heavenly father.

At the workshop, we also talked about the criteria that matters to us in a job... the non-negotiables and the negotiables. What are mine?

~ A mission that I believe in and am passionate about
~ A place where I can make my interest my work
~ Work-life balance
~ Opportunities to learn and develop
~ Opportunities to make a difference to others
~ A good boss
~ A nurturing environment with colleagues as my friends
~ Teamwork
~ Salary

And now, a new criteria that I did not know I have - "workplace ministry". Looking at my list, I feel gratitude for the job I have now, and questions, doubts about whether this is the right job for me, are at least answered and eased. If I ever wonder whether God cares about me... I need only to think of the fact that God had arranged for my immediate colleague in my division to be my churchmate, and be deeply heartened. And to discover now that there are more co-workers from the same church, aligned to the same purpose... What are the odds? Is that not a miracle in itself?

Dreams

Dreams are dangerous.

They entice you to imagine worlds of possibilities, to soar in your imagination to paint visions of grandeur. Untested by reality, they are bold, freeing, and invigorating. Once engraved in the recesses of our hearts however, once met with resolve and action to unfold the dreams under the cold, harsh glare of daylight, they hold the potential to burst. The hurt, disappointment, challenges and pain that come with the bursting are all part and parcel of the dreams package -- a double-edged knife, one side glinting with sly promises and the lure of success, the other the lethal blade of death.

I haven't been dreaming for a while. And to have the dream of Expedition Agape suddenly take root again in my heart was a surprise. Especially to have it grow with such vigour, insidiously creeping into my waking thoughts with questions of how, how, how? It is always easy to address questions of what and why. The right motivations, the right people to reach out to and involve, but questions of how are difficult. To be not just efficient but also effective, calls for more meticulousness, analysis and deep thinking than I might possibly possess.

The scary thing is... I love this. I truly embrace this whole-heartedly with passion, desire and excitement, my entire soul bouncing up and down with inspiration and ideas firing second after second. This is why God creates. Being an artist to design and shape just about gets you into the psyche of God to unlock the possible reasons why he creates. It is spectacular -- a glorious, nurturing act of birthing which engages every fiber of your being. It is beautiful.

When I am in this mode, it seems as though the challenges that had assailed me not too long ago organising and undergoing the Expeditions are far behind... detached and distant, too far away that they almost seem to belong to another world. Maybe that too is scary, because this shouldn't be how it is. Challenges should be at the forefront, ringing the bell of pragmatism and reality, tolling the imminent arrival of obstacles and death, if that is  what must be. Unfortunately... we forget. I forget. I get too caught up in the whirlwind of dreaming, that I am lost to my imagination, and focusing on possibilities.

This is really something that could potentially grow. Terrifying, perhaps, but also exhilarating.

Trust and Surrender...

Tonight was the first CG of the year, and I know we are off to a good start. It was moving, open and honest... and frankly, emotional for me, as I felt the intertwining of experiences, the foundation of trust opening hearts to share and learn.                                            

Also, what made it special was we had 2 guests who joined us. Lisa, coincidentally was the niece of the couple whose story Pst Tony had shared during service. God makes provisions for those who are broken and seeking, and hers is a story of hope in a path fraught with uncertainties, unsure about her job, the state of her marriage, or even, her residential address in a few months' time. Heleona, though meeting most of us for the first time, had the courage to pour out the story of her deceased mother, how she battled cancer, how she was initially an unbeliever, then turned to God as her last days drew near.

I was moved by the life stories of two very disparate yet similar individuals, and feel grateful for the privilege to have been blessed by their sharing. The session was especially meaningful as we took turns to talk about what the year ahead holds for us. For me, there were many things upon my heart, but the two things that I shared were the prayer and hope that my father will come to know God... and the second, my excitement at taking up courses at Singapore Bible College...

I trust in God for the right timing, and Father, I pray in the mighty name of Jesus, that you will have your protection over all my brothers and sisters, especially Brother Eric as his mother is going through a particularly challenging time right now. Amen.

First day of 2012...

The first day of the new year… always a great reason to feel reflective, musing about the year gone by, and definitely a wonderful reason to get started on writing again, with a old-new blog. Old, because this blog was set up several years ago, and I just never got around to posting anything... new, evidently because this is the first post. Writing trains the mind, clarifies thoughts, was what Pst Kay Kiong shared earlier today as well, reminding me that really, it's a habit I ought to resume. 

My mind has been in overdrive the last two days, incessantly reviewing the 2011 that has passed. One year -- that's significant, that's huge. And reading one of my blog posts that I wrote in January 2011, I am reminded of the utter aimlessness I felt then, at the start of the year, because that is the exact same feeling that plagues me now. It is as if I need to justify to myself that I have lived well, that my time has been well-spent (not just squandered over endless TV series that I keep getting glued to...) and thinking over the past one year helps me do that. 

By all accounts, 2011 has been a tremendous year for me... a tremendously fulfilling and incredible year that has been more than I ever could have imagined or asked for. The me that I was in January 2011 would not have been able to guess, even in my wildest dreams, for instance, that I would have become a Christian by the time the year was out. Skeptical me... who had never, ever trusted the church, which was such an artificial institution of Man and totally imperfect representation of God. I guess the Lord works in strange ways, and the lesson for me, really, is that of surrender... that a sense of aimlessness, of loss, of confusion, is normal and acceptable. That it is not something I should resist against or chide myself for, but rather, channel it towards anticipation... hopeful expectancy of the surprising blessings that could come about in my year, sometimes derailing, or, reprioritising over, even the best-laid plans. 

So, celebrating my 2011, in brief:

- Accepting God as my Lord and Saviour has changed my life. I have been deeply, deeply touched by His love, for He is love, and He has started to heal all the broken parts of my soul. God is also a god that stands up to investigation, scrutiny and challenge... and my intellectual exploration of Christianity as I pored over books after books has been a stimulus that I have craved, and also, provided me all the answers to all the questions in my heart and mind... even to some questions I never thought to ask. I wish I had started on this earlier, and not been egotistically blind to the truth. Ask, and we will receive... Knock, and He will answer... how true! Jesus is my captain, and I live by his overflowing example of love, grace and mercy.

- Covenant Evangelical Free Church... there couldn't have been a more perfect, or more right church for Calvin and I. Settling in a church is almost like finding your soulmate -- it operates on the same principles at least, that there is no perfect partner, only the partner that is perfect for you. That is exactly how I feel about Covenant... it is a community of authentic, committed Christians, irrefutably bible-centred and God-focused, and with values that resonate with us. There will never be a perfect church... the only time that there will be, is in the future when Jesus returns again as King. Until then, there are only imperfect churches with imperfect men striving to do the best they can in this fallen world. And being in Covenant has just about been the single most transformative highlight of 2011... my deepened knowledge of the Bible, God's will and God, the CG that Calvin and I have been so blessed to have settled in, the newfound friends, love, care and nurturing we have received in abundance, the many opportunities and experiences for growth, learning and serving, especially now being in the Children's Ministry.... God has worked wonders not just externally, but within me as well, giving me a new heart of peace, passion and purpose. 

- Service Wrapped up EA 2010, and the pang of loss was immediate, unsure of where to go from there. Also achingly and painfully made the decision to leave CV, because there was just too much misalignment... I love the programme, love the energy and the heart of the volunteers to make a difference, but the lack of leadership, structure, focus and a values-centred approach to sustain the impact and results, frustrates me. It didn't occur to me then that my plate will be full with BP, CCF or with the additional wish granting opportunities in MAW... most of all, with all the opportunities to serve and lead the volunteer programme at my workplace, to deposit love and care into the hearts of the children at Beyond. There has been barely any let-up at all in pace and intensity... there is just too much to do, so many community needs to meet and address, that it deeply matters to me the small little role that I play to make a difference.  

- Personal Development I've learnt so much over the past year that it is impossible to fully sum up into words. I've learnt that it is sometimes important to let go in order to move forward, that ideas alone are not enough...idealism needs to be tempered with reality and a sound ability to implement and execute, and perhaps most, most, most resoundingly, I have learnt about relationships. God has been imparting to me again and again over the past year in 2011 the delicacies of communication and the art of building relationships... sometimes knocking the lesson into my head with devastatingly painful falls. To varying degrees, I have had to step out of my comfort zone, sweat buckets, and take risks. While I am not sure I will be eager to repeat or go through any of the experiences, especially the more nasty ones again, I have learnt from picking myself up and I cherish the learnings.

- Travel China, Bali, Taiwan and Australia. The wonderful memories are forever etched in my mind. I have been blessed to have been able to travel to new places, amazing places in 2011, and Australia in particular, with the CYF8, is a life-changing highlight that I will always remember. Looking back at the start of the year, I never thought that I would be involved in CYF again, but being in CYF has been precious... not just for the many international friendships forged, but also, it has called upon me to be more confident, more self-assured than I have ever been, and to take on leadership and facilitator roles. I have also fallen in love with Taiwan. If there is a place that I want to retire to, other than Singapore -- a place with the perfect blend of beauty in place and beauty in people, it is Taiwan. Can't wait to go back again.

- Friends Made countless new friends in 2011, from Church, from CYF8, from BP, from Taiwan, etc. etc... I celebrate all the new friendships made. It has been incredible, and more so also because 2011 has been a year that I reconnected with some old friends that I have lost touch with.

- Family And last but not least, the most important of all, my family, my anchor and cornerstone, amidst everything, family has been a key priority. Investing in my marriage, strengthening and spending time with each and every single one of my family members, and cherishing all the precious, precious time that we spend together. The significant surprise of the year -- maybe even the decade, is that I reconnected with my mother again, after a span of 9 months. 9 months of hatred, of silence, of resentment from her and she has finally reached out to me. I am not sure fully that it is a blessing... it is the sort of thing that I am thankful for, because at least now, she is in my life, and I am in hers, but the relationship is too volatile for me to expect smooth winds ahead. 

Looking forward to 2012...
Steady Readers, New Life, The Writer's Place, SBC, church camp, BP @ Gracehaven, EA 2012, the numerous overseas trips already planned and scheduled. I have the fullest anticipation for what lies ahead... exciting adventures and challenges, more beautiful memories to seize and create, fulfillment and restoration in my relationships.

And yet... a part of me still feels lost... I know the endgame of my life, but what is the endpoint of this year?

Father Lord, with thanksgiving and praise, my heart swells with the deepest gratitude for your protection and blessing in 2011. As Calvin and I start the new year, I pray that the coming year will continue to bring more delightful surprises, blessings and fulfillment for both of us, guided by your direction and will. In the mighty name of Jesus, I pray and commit ourselves to you. Amen.