Just choked with emotions and feeling all morose. I think it's the accumulation of everything that is weighing me down.
I really can't wait for my break.
Sunday, September 01, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
Purpose
Yesterday's mentoring group discussion was about Purpose, which led me to remember this article which I wrote a while back:
====
I have always felt a deep resonance about humanity in brokenness -- the
hurts and sorrow built up within and through the fragments of ourselves. From
the individual, family, to the community, brokenness is present. Perhaps it is
because I have seen my parents go through perpetual arguments, mental illness, marital
affairs, suicide attempts, divorce and gambling. The calling that compels me to
action now after the fractures that I have witnessed, is to make a difference,
to assuage the brokenness that I see and to serve other young people who are hurting
and guide them to see possibilities instead of dead ends in their lives.
From the time I became the community
involvement programme representative for my class and faculty in Junior
College, I realised that I no longer needed to be a bystander. Against the tide
of brokenness that was ever-present, I could act. My volunteering efforts
started then, when I rallied my schoolmates in my class and in the Arts Faculty
to contribute to low-income and underprivileged children through “I can read”
camps and activities. 10 years on, and the unfailing vision and purpose that I
continue to embrace, is to invest in the next generation, particularly in the
children and youths who may be deemed “at risk” by society.
It is my pivotal focus because these are the ones who will be
establishing their own families in another 5 to 15 years. Investing in them is
investing in the society of tomorrow. A youth given the seeds of confidence and
self-esteem, and the seeds in him nurtured and watered into bloom through
empowerment to rise above his hurts, to realise his dreams and fullest potential,
is a family saved. Only then, can healthy, happy families emerge.
The past decade has seen me part of
different organisations and also taking on volunteer leadership roles, but the
core focus and hunger that I have to make a difference to young people remains.
Each experience and involvement has been life-changing, shaping my perspective
and widening my horizons as well as deepening my capacity to contribute.
I am one individual, but I press on because being a mentor
to a young person and enabling youths who were once struggling, to see
possibilities in their lives, is life-transforming, important work. By
inspiring others to join me in these efforts, by touching the heart of compassion
that resides in every one of us -- one person can create ripples of change to
eventually shape the culture and DNA of the society into one that is
restorative, and one where brokenness is healed.
====
What I missed out from the short piece that I wrote, is God. God is the driving force behind my desire, spurring me on to a life of purpose. Without God, life is all vanity.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Legacy
It is just so wonderfully apt that this Sunday's message in Church is about Legacy. It has been a word that has been on my mind so much these days, growing increasingly stronger and resounding in intensity in my being as the days pass.
I was reminded of it again practically everyday this last week.
On Tuesday, I heard about The Crayon Box story. We are each of us a crayon, playing our small part to create beautiful pictures in the world. As we draw and as we paint, our crayon is getting shorter and shorter. It is all the more important that we treasure the crayon left in us, and we aim to create as many beautiful pictures as we can. Time is running out; I feel an incredible sense of urgency to do, to give, to push. Perhaps that is why I feel so impatient at times when I don't see results, and I get so disheartened when doors don't open. Because there is no time! I am torn between striking a balance to wait for God's perfect timing, and hastily making things happen.
This is the one magical week, in a long, long, long, long time where I did not have any appointments planned in the evenings. Every day was spent with Calvin and we will have a simple dinner together, converse, share and then travel home together after work. As I see him in the same struggle that I was in just barely a few months ago, caught between the safe comfort of the work that we know and which we know is financially secure and stable, and moving forward to our passion, to an area where potentially we can impact more lives, touch more lives and shape the next generation, I know it is not easy for him. The future is unknown, the past has us caught.
But I also know and trust that God is leading and directing our lives. I came out of the wilderness, and so will he; I am happier than I have ever been before, being in a place where I can everyday, feel the meaning of what I do... that is priceless, a treasure worth more than anything in the world.
Yesterday, we had a long 6 hours chat with our mentor and a good friend about our dreams and hopes for the future, and ideas we have that could take us forward into the next 5 years towards our passion.
Then today, I came home to God to be reminded about Legacy. I cried buckets as I sang the worship songs, and my mind just praying and asking for God's empowerment, blessing and guidance. There is so much to do , so much left undone, and I just hope that God will continue to use Calvin & I for His glory, revealing His purpose and plans for our lives so that we know we are not letting Him down.
Father Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours and open up my eyes to the things unseen. Direct us Lord, in the work that you have called us to, and let me be equipped and able to serve you to the fullest of my abilities and to my last breath.
What is the legacy you are leaving behind?
I was reminded of it again practically everyday this last week.
On Tuesday, I heard about The Crayon Box story. We are each of us a crayon, playing our small part to create beautiful pictures in the world. As we draw and as we paint, our crayon is getting shorter and shorter. It is all the more important that we treasure the crayon left in us, and we aim to create as many beautiful pictures as we can. Time is running out; I feel an incredible sense of urgency to do, to give, to push. Perhaps that is why I feel so impatient at times when I don't see results, and I get so disheartened when doors don't open. Because there is no time! I am torn between striking a balance to wait for God's perfect timing, and hastily making things happen.
This is the one magical week, in a long, long, long, long time where I did not have any appointments planned in the evenings. Every day was spent with Calvin and we will have a simple dinner together, converse, share and then travel home together after work. As I see him in the same struggle that I was in just barely a few months ago, caught between the safe comfort of the work that we know and which we know is financially secure and stable, and moving forward to our passion, to an area where potentially we can impact more lives, touch more lives and shape the next generation, I know it is not easy for him. The future is unknown, the past has us caught.
But I also know and trust that God is leading and directing our lives. I came out of the wilderness, and so will he; I am happier than I have ever been before, being in a place where I can everyday, feel the meaning of what I do... that is priceless, a treasure worth more than anything in the world.
Yesterday, we had a long 6 hours chat with our mentor and a good friend about our dreams and hopes for the future, and ideas we have that could take us forward into the next 5 years towards our passion.
Then today, I came home to God to be reminded about Legacy. I cried buckets as I sang the worship songs, and my mind just praying and asking for God's empowerment, blessing and guidance. There is so much to do , so much left undone, and I just hope that God will continue to use Calvin & I for His glory, revealing His purpose and plans for our lives so that we know we are not letting Him down.
Father Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours and open up my eyes to the things unseen. Direct us Lord, in the work that you have called us to, and let me be equipped and able to serve you to the fullest of my abilities and to my last breath.
What is the legacy you are leaving behind?
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Haze
As I see the haze, what comes forefront to my mind is the trees that are burning. And I am saddened!
Trying to read more about the situation and trying to understand what is the small part I can do to alleviate this.
Trying to read more about the situation and trying to understand what is the small part I can do to alleviate this.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Hurts like hell
Again another threat.
Sometimes I don't know if that is all I am to you, a means to an end, contacting me only when you see the need to make use of me.
And you feel the need to use threats, like cutting off all ties with me if I don't comply with your wish, in order to compel me to your way.
I don't know what I should do, to say yes or no. But it hurts like hell to know that you think a threat is necessary to solicit agreement. Hurts to know that our relationship is just that -- a tool that you use to get your way.
It's really painful >.< I wish to God that He could take it all away.
Sometimes I don't know if that is all I am to you, a means to an end, contacting me only when you see the need to make use of me.
And you feel the need to use threats, like cutting off all ties with me if I don't comply with your wish, in order to compel me to your way.
I don't know what I should do, to say yes or no. But it hurts like hell to know that you think a threat is necessary to solicit agreement. Hurts to know that our relationship is just that -- a tool that you use to get your way.
It's really painful >.< I wish to God that He could take it all away.
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
Looking back at 2012
I have been wanting to write this post for a while to recount and record the year that's flown by. 2012 has been one of my toughest years. It was truly the "best of times and the worst of times", being both challenging, difficult, arduous, and also stretching me in growth, character and perseverance.
The last day of 2012 was incredible.
Ending it by sharing the testimony of how Calvin and I came to know God and how God has worked in our lives, in front of almost 2,000 people in the presence of the church and God. It was scary as hell, but thereafter, the outpourings of gratitude and encouragements from friends and strangers were amazing. We were thankful and humbled by people who came forward to pray for us and with us, and to say that our sharing has inspired them. This is all the work of God, and no one else. Thank you God for this opportunity to touch lives and testify to your greatness.
And the year in quick/brief summation...
1) Expedition Agape - God brought us through some of the lowest lows in Expedition Agape... we knocked on doors, and couldn't find any possibility of connection. No openings, no grace, no favour with the people we met. The Exco I tried to built fizzled. Many hits and bumps later, including my own leadership struggle and doubts, we soared. And it was unbelievable how vast the transition was, how great the chasm that it crossed.
Now, LFC is open to endorse and accept EA, the team that has just returned from Cambodia grew and bonded by leaps and bounds, we have burgeoning reserves with donations still pouring in, there are people jumping onboard Team 2013 and expressing commitment... the list of blessings we have to be thankful for is endless. I can't explain it, but I am thankful for this journey where I have learnt so much.
2) Career - God has led me into my calling in 2012. After a difficult and challenging stint in my past workplace, God has led me to my oasis, and granted me grace to excel in an area of my passion and greatest love. I feel like my life has been in preparation for this, where I can finally gather my strengths and pour them to best benefit the lives that I touch. More so than anything else, is the environment... with supportive, like-minded, loving colleagues and superiors. I can't ask for anything more.
After a dark period of uncertainty, doubts and challenges, I finally journeyed into light.
3) Family - Again, it feels like a juxtaposition of dark and light. Calvin and I walked into some of our most difficult and thorny issues... with our parents and in-laws, finances, personality differences. Leaning on God's strength and wisdom, we survived through the clashes and the lows, and walked through the pit, emerging stronger. I have seen Calvin grow and mature as a husband, leader and son, and I pray to God that He will strengthen our marriage, our relationship and our friendship with each other, and help us to rise above the storms to unite in vision and purpose.
With my parents -- it has truly never been tougher. I am at the cusp of hopelessness. I don't know how to overcome this rock... this wall. Even so, I continue to trust in God that he will create possibilities where there seem to be none. I hope and pray that it will all work out for good... with my parents, with my brother. If there's anything to celebrate at all, it's that my brother sent me a happy birthday SMS, for the first time in my life. Maybe this is the beginning of something positive?
4) Volunteering - In 2012, CV is no longer a part of my life. There's a sense of loss, but there's just been no time to grieve. Instead, I have grown to lead a new programme in Beautiful People, one where 20 adult volunteers and 18 teenage girls are placed in my hands, and I lead them in growth to journey towards their dreams. I have soared as a leader in BP, but ironically, also seen my own biggest leadership doubts crash to the surface in EA. By women, for girls -- is something unique in BP that resonates with me. There's value in the work, and this ministry is deeply precious because it is about girls empowering girls, building a safe place for conversation, sharing and engagement.
And together with Calvin, we have granted wishes in Make-A-Wish, created magical moments for young children and their families... I thank God everyday that we have the opportunity to do so... to make a difference, to bring joy and fulfillment into lives that hurt. But it hasn't been easy too... we have had to navigate tough decisions, balancing different interests... the struggles aside, end of the day, we are grateful that MAW gave us the most memorable thank you dinner experience ever. It blew our minds to indulge in the meal at one of the best restaurants in Singapore, to be pampered in such a manner.
Then, there's SR, PTC... where we had the chance to learn and to serve in a meaningful way.
5) God/Church - The new mentoring group that we are in has been one blessed by God, without which there wouldn't have been open doors for EA. Church camp last year also counts as one of the best experiences EVER in my life... a "spiritual spa" that I love and enjoy every moment of. Serving in Sunbeam, being part of the church community to connect, bond and grow... this pillar of my life recharges, rejuvenates and energises me to give more, to do more, to make my life one in service of God because He has given me so much.
6) Travel - The first half of the year, I was travelling every month, and sometimes twice a month. Jakarta, Shanghai, Jakarta, then Bali, and finally Church Camp. The second half of the year was quieter on the travel calendar, with only 2 trips to Cambodia, one with Hazel, Justin, Choo Jin and Calvin, and the second for EA 2012. All the trips were memorable.
Jakarta -- for being able to serve and contribute to Sahabat Anak, and to lead the team in my previous workplace to venture beyond their comfort zone and make a meaningful difference to the street children, Shanghai -- for staying at one of the best hotels ever ;) Lovely indulgence.
Bali -- a trip with mother-in-law, then our cell group friends, both amazing, fantastic, and memorable for completely different reasons altogether. The former because we made our mummy happy and she loved the trip, the latter because we were enriched by the sharing, connection and friendships forged. Always love the peaceful tranquility of Bali.
---
New friends, new learnings, new discoveries... I have walked through dark, tough, difficult moments and situations... but always, God has been with me and seen me through. God is moulding me and using me for his purposes, and I surrender my life into his hands to use as He sees fit.
I don't dare to imagine what 2013 will hold. I just know that it will be another miraculous year, one where God will exceed his Promises to us, His children. First and foremost as a priority though, I just need rest. Sweet peaceful rest.
Ending it by sharing the testimony of how Calvin and I came to know God and how God has worked in our lives, in front of almost 2,000 people in the presence of the church and God. It was scary as hell, but thereafter, the outpourings of gratitude and encouragements from friends and strangers were amazing. We were thankful and humbled by people who came forward to pray for us and with us, and to say that our sharing has inspired them. This is all the work of God, and no one else. Thank you God for this opportunity to touch lives and testify to your greatness.
And the year in quick/brief summation...
1) Expedition Agape - God brought us through some of the lowest lows in Expedition Agape... we knocked on doors, and couldn't find any possibility of connection. No openings, no grace, no favour with the people we met. The Exco I tried to built fizzled. Many hits and bumps later, including my own leadership struggle and doubts, we soared. And it was unbelievable how vast the transition was, how great the chasm that it crossed.
Now, LFC is open to endorse and accept EA, the team that has just returned from Cambodia grew and bonded by leaps and bounds, we have burgeoning reserves with donations still pouring in, there are people jumping onboard Team 2013 and expressing commitment... the list of blessings we have to be thankful for is endless. I can't explain it, but I am thankful for this journey where I have learnt so much.
2) Career - God has led me into my calling in 2012. After a difficult and challenging stint in my past workplace, God has led me to my oasis, and granted me grace to excel in an area of my passion and greatest love. I feel like my life has been in preparation for this, where I can finally gather my strengths and pour them to best benefit the lives that I touch. More so than anything else, is the environment... with supportive, like-minded, loving colleagues and superiors. I can't ask for anything more.
After a dark period of uncertainty, doubts and challenges, I finally journeyed into light.
3) Family - Again, it feels like a juxtaposition of dark and light. Calvin and I walked into some of our most difficult and thorny issues... with our parents and in-laws, finances, personality differences. Leaning on God's strength and wisdom, we survived through the clashes and the lows, and walked through the pit, emerging stronger. I have seen Calvin grow and mature as a husband, leader and son, and I pray to God that He will strengthen our marriage, our relationship and our friendship with each other, and help us to rise above the storms to unite in vision and purpose.
With my parents -- it has truly never been tougher. I am at the cusp of hopelessness. I don't know how to overcome this rock... this wall. Even so, I continue to trust in God that he will create possibilities where there seem to be none. I hope and pray that it will all work out for good... with my parents, with my brother. If there's anything to celebrate at all, it's that my brother sent me a happy birthday SMS, for the first time in my life. Maybe this is the beginning of something positive?
4) Volunteering - In 2012, CV is no longer a part of my life. There's a sense of loss, but there's just been no time to grieve. Instead, I have grown to lead a new programme in Beautiful People, one where 20 adult volunteers and 18 teenage girls are placed in my hands, and I lead them in growth to journey towards their dreams. I have soared as a leader in BP, but ironically, also seen my own biggest leadership doubts crash to the surface in EA. By women, for girls -- is something unique in BP that resonates with me. There's value in the work, and this ministry is deeply precious because it is about girls empowering girls, building a safe place for conversation, sharing and engagement.
And together with Calvin, we have granted wishes in Make-A-Wish, created magical moments for young children and their families... I thank God everyday that we have the opportunity to do so... to make a difference, to bring joy and fulfillment into lives that hurt. But it hasn't been easy too... we have had to navigate tough decisions, balancing different interests... the struggles aside, end of the day, we are grateful that MAW gave us the most memorable thank you dinner experience ever. It blew our minds to indulge in the meal at one of the best restaurants in Singapore, to be pampered in such a manner.
Then, there's SR, PTC... where we had the chance to learn and to serve in a meaningful way.
5) God/Church - The new mentoring group that we are in has been one blessed by God, without which there wouldn't have been open doors for EA. Church camp last year also counts as one of the best experiences EVER in my life... a "spiritual spa" that I love and enjoy every moment of. Serving in Sunbeam, being part of the church community to connect, bond and grow... this pillar of my life recharges, rejuvenates and energises me to give more, to do more, to make my life one in service of God because He has given me so much.
6) Travel - The first half of the year, I was travelling every month, and sometimes twice a month. Jakarta, Shanghai, Jakarta, then Bali, and finally Church Camp. The second half of the year was quieter on the travel calendar, with only 2 trips to Cambodia, one with Hazel, Justin, Choo Jin and Calvin, and the second for EA 2012. All the trips were memorable.
Jakarta -- for being able to serve and contribute to Sahabat Anak, and to lead the team in my previous workplace to venture beyond their comfort zone and make a meaningful difference to the street children, Shanghai -- for staying at one of the best hotels ever ;) Lovely indulgence.
Bali -- a trip with mother-in-law, then our cell group friends, both amazing, fantastic, and memorable for completely different reasons altogether. The former because we made our mummy happy and she loved the trip, the latter because we were enriched by the sharing, connection and friendships forged. Always love the peaceful tranquility of Bali.
---
New friends, new learnings, new discoveries... I have walked through dark, tough, difficult moments and situations... but always, God has been with me and seen me through. God is moulding me and using me for his purposes, and I surrender my life into his hands to use as He sees fit.
I don't dare to imagine what 2013 will hold. I just know that it will be another miraculous year, one where God will exceed his Promises to us, His children. First and foremost as a priority though, I just need rest. Sweet peaceful rest.
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