I look at my friends who have their families, yet push them away in a bid for independence, freedom and less hassle... and there are times when I really wish I can shake them and open their eyes to what they are missing. More, to open their eyes to value what they have, to dig beneath the surface to uncover the intentions of care and concern.... -- A restriction that is perceived to be overstepping boundaries, a gentle reminder that is seen to be repeated senselessness and annoyance, a comment that appears it is completely disjunct and irrelevant from the time and age we are in.
When you don't have that at all, you see it as pure preciousness.
I make feeble attempts to connect with my mother, fear holding me back for the hurt and drama that is potentially lurking ahead. I see a yawning chasm and struggle with how I can bridge the distance to my father. Both of them pull away, detach... so far away and for completely different reasons, but the situation is the same.
Maybe that is why I love Calvin's grandmother... and find her nagging totally endearing. I miss it, lack it, crave it. I feel like a kite with the strings cut off, floating directionless in the wind, without a family to anchor upon from which I can build the foundations of my own family. There are days when I can shut off these feelings, and days when the feeling worsens. Actions do not always equate to results, especially in the realm of relationships which are so volatile.
Relentless optimism, trying various ways and means to find breakthroughs... but there are times when I get tired, when I keep meeting with a wall. And so I turn to God... pray and desperately pray that God will direct my path.
Where do I fit in? What else can I do?
I don't know. Let that be the answer for now...
No comments:
Post a Comment